Ready To Stop Losing - Book Review

Howdy Folks n’ Kin! 

This here is Judd Jugmonger! But this ain't the old cash-strapped Judd Jugmonger, this here is the new Judd Junger on account I is now a Wall Street investor! That's right! I’m into the BIG money now, just like all them fancy banksters over yonder on Wall Street what are livin' high on the hog! Now, I don’t want to sell all y’all short—that thar’s a Wall Street pun, you know?—but the gravy train ain’t done rolled out just yet. Soon enough but, it’s a gonna pull outta the I-ain’t-gotta-pot-to-piss-in station and ride them rails all the way to the market, just like that thar little piggy done! 

So why all the hoopla? On account I got me a hold of this book, Ready To Stop Losing, what was written by my good pal Jay Leonard Schwartz and published by them other good folks over at Dada Bloq. Them is the folks what’s done me right from time to time with them books what I am in. 

If’n y’all wanna know how to hold your horsies and not let yer FOMO—that thar is the fear of missin’ out—git the best you, y’all need git yer hands on this book, and read it, and I mean like NOW, on account the market don’t want fer no one! We got us some bull markets over here, and some bear markets over thar, and y’all need to be a learnin’ which way is up! So that thar book is good readin’! 

And now because of it, I done gave a little cash to my cousin, Nasty Jimmy, to open what’s called a brokerage account to buy me some stocks! I don’t know why they got the words “broke” in their name on account everyone in creation be given’ them banksters them’s cash fer orders and such.

Anyway, I told Nasty Jimmy to plunk down some coin on some “fractionals.” Now, never you mind what it sounds like math—I don’t like that stuff none neither, but Nasty Jimmy says a little bit of bread goes a long ways! 

I also learned ‘bout what’s called “dividends!” Know what them is? They is free money! That’s how them big business types says “thank you” fer all y’all’s support. They’s just givin’ it away, a little bit here and a little bit thar. And soon enough, y’all will be sittin’ in high cotton with yours truly! That thar is the magic of what’s called compostin’!

So now, I got me what’s called a portafolio! In it, I got me my picks what I prognosticated to pay off big time! Here’s what good American companies I done went all in on:

HRL - Hormel, what’s food smells like America! In fact, Hormel is what them analysts call a Dividend Aristocrat and a Dividend King. Hoo ha! I’s hobnobbiin’ not just with them upper-class types but also with royalty! You know how they is! CPB - Campbell's Soup company, on account I says to kick them soup cans down the road all the way to the bank! PEP - Pepsi, on account I’m a Pepsi man! That thar Warren Buffet might like his Coke, but I says every man fer himself. Pepsi is also a Dividend Aristocrat! Now, I think of that every time I be swallerin’ it down!

And don’t ferget some of them train stocks on account of they is what makes America run! Also, I read in the book what it’s a good idea to be diversifried—that means we gotsta spread that dough ‘round like that thar stinky whatnot what makes the flowers grow. Know what I mean? I think ya do. 💩

So I also bought me some: CSX - On account them’s freight trains run on them old FEC tracks—that thar is the Florida East Coast railway what Henry Flagler built. When I get me the big bucks, I might just hop one of their trains to visit my sweety deety Jolene over thar in Gulf Breeze on the panhandle! MAS - Masco, on account they make toilets right here in the USA. That’s right! Well all gotta go now n’ then, so them’s business—that thar is another pun!—gotsta to be good! You know how it is. I read in the book, “own what y’all know” so I reckon when I got me the runs, I knows a lot a lot ‘bout takin’ a dump. Know what I mean? I think you do. XOM - Exxon Mobile! Folks, I is an environmentalist, but we need us some oil! Them CSX trains, pickup trucks and bass boats ain’t runnin’ on Campbell’s soup!” Also, them bathrooms at them Exxon gas stations is much fresher than them horror shows over at them Texaco stations! WM - Waste Management! This here is a no-brainer! The founder of that thar waste haulin’ business was Wayne Huzienga what used to own my Miami Dolphins—they’s the greatest football team and still perfect! 󠅓☝

Lastly, when them folks over at the Krispy Kreme donuts (DNUT) start handin’ out a dividend again—and finally bring back them key lime donuts—I might  consider them, too. That is assumin’ I got me some extra cash on hand, what’s called excretionary income.  

So now, I own me a part of all them companies! I suggest y’all do the same! After all, here in the USA, we is capitolists, even all them Julios and Jullietas in Hialeah!

Ever’body and their cousin or grandma is a tellin’ new investors how to make the BIG money. “Buy this! Sell that! Ride this here TESLA rocket ship clean to the moon!” they says. But, mighty few of them tell all y’all how to quit losin’ all y’all’s money. And then, y’all feel like ya havta ride the short bus on account stupid is as stupid does. Well folks, that’s where this here book, Ready to Stop Losing, comes in.

So here’s a little bit more ‘bout this here book what I highly recommend and what is already a best seller at the Word Salad Books and Readin’ Room, next to the Katywonker Cafe’ in Wepesiwa Beach, Florida! 

This here book looks at Wall Street through the eyes of an ordinary feller, just like me, what’s startin’ out to learnin’ the game the hard way! That means makin’ dumb mistakes, missin’ chances and buyin’ at exactly the wrong time and feelin’ like all y’all gots caught with yer britches down! Then comes the most uncomfortable lesson of all: knowin’ what ya oughtsta do but not doin’ it, and what leaves ya feeling like a one legged man in a butt-kickin’ contest. 😳

The book's also got lotsa them personal experiences, market historicals, head doctorin’, and more Wall Street wisdom than y'all can shake a stick at. Ready to Stop Losing sorts through all that familiar investin’ advices to see what’s right about it, what them fancy experts fergot to mention—ya know them types what’re sittin’ 'round and sippin' some high-priced hooch on Wall Street, or maybe even Brickell here in Miami. Fer example, why one size never fits all—especially if’n ya bought it off the clearance rack. Most important, it’s about survivin’ Wall Street long enough to quit bein’ the same investor what lost all that money in the first place!

Now see, I got all that just from the cover of this here book! If’n y’all read the whole thing, well, just imagine how deep all y’all’s pockets are gonna be! 

So, If’n y’all want to git in on this action, y’all need to read this here book! And go n’ tell all y’all’s friends that Judd Jugmonger says to do the same!

All the best—and some of the rest, - Judd 🪠

The Miami Freegan Festival

Howdy, Folks n’ Kin!

This here is Judd Jugmonger with an idear what is new! Now I ain’t askin’ fer no noble peace prize or nothin’, but I got me a proposal fer somethin’ what ain’t been done before. That’s right! So here it is … a Freegan Festival right here in Miami! In fact, I think Brickell, what we also call the Financial District, is the right place fer that. 

Right here in Brickell, I see folks livin’ high on the hog; they surely is sittin’ in some high cotton, that’s fer sure. But you know how it is, some of them here in the 305 is fakin’ it till they be makin’ it! So, I also see lotsa folks what cain’t afford a decent meal! They ain’t even got a pot to piss in, nor two nickels to rub together, even though they be sportin' some Gucci and Versace, and what have you. That’s why I think it’s a good idear fer a Freegan Festival right here in Miami, DadeCounty—to bring folks together, to share what we all done dumped, and to talk about a better, more sustainable way to live in this here city with blue skies on lots of them days. 

Now, everyone knows here in Brickell, we got them little doggy poop stations on every corner, but I ain’t seen too many garbage cans none. That thar’s a real problem! Where does all that uneaten food go to from all them high-falutin’ fancy restaurants where all the skinny folks go and pick at their salad?

We should have  dumpsters on every block, because of all the tossed out food, and a lot of it’s still good! In fact, right behind the Publix, they’re throwing out plenty, but instead of just guardin’ it, those scraps could be shared with the public!

Also, we need this Freegan Festival right here in Brickell, because the truth is, the quality of what gets thrown out here is often much better than some other parts of town. In a neighborhood full of wealth, there’s lots of wasted food—things still good, just waitin’ to be shared. By startin’ here, we set a higher standard—because if it can happen here, it can happen anywhere—just like in New York, except fer them Jets! Know what I mean? I think ya do.

Here in Brickell, the cost of livin’ is sky-high—people be payin' over $3,500 just fer a small apartment, and lotsa folk are barely holding on. Speakin’ of holdin’ on … with a freegan festival we might also cut down on them poor balcony jumpers what our county commiserators don’t want them news stations to talk ‘bout none. You know how it is in these tourist parts.

But, gettin’ back to the costt of livin’, I’ve heard some folks, especially social workers and service workers, payin’ a thousand dollars a month just fer a dirty mattress on the floor in some backroom office—no bathroom, just bare bones. That’s why, if we bring a Freegan Festival here, we can show just how outta balance this is—so many scraps going to waste, while real folks just try to get by—right here in the Magic City. 

The beauty of this idear is it don’t have to be all organized in one spot. We don’t need no centralization; we ain’t no communists none! And, we don’t have to pay fer no rows of porta-potty outhouses, on account of in Brickell they’s gots lots doggy poop stations and them little baggies. It ain’t fer some, but beggars can’t be choosers. You know how it is.

So again, we don’t need no big park nor a central meetin’ place. We just say, "this here is the area—right where them garbage cans and dumpsters is." And, we ask those high-end eateries to give us what they’d normally throw out. We just put some dumpsters out on the corner, and people can come by and take what they need—no big fuss, just folks helpin’ folks. That thar’s the American spirit! Freedom comes from the word Free and, well, “Freegan!” There ya go!

We all need a seat at the table, even if the Freegan Festival ain’t gonna have none. No matter where we come from, Miami is a multicultural city, and right here in Brickell, it’s the same. Yes, we got us different income levels, different education. Sure, we got us our fashionistas and them social-influenzers, folks from up north—them snowbirds—heck, even some Frenchy Canadians. And all of them Latinos—Julios, Juliets, and everyone. No matter their background, they belong in the same corner—at the dumpster—to come together.

It don’t make no difference none what language y’all speak, because here in Miami, we gots a lot of languages—heck, even in Florida, we got us three official languages. I know Donald Trump don’t like that none, but that’s how it is. It don’t make no difference what language y’all speak—if you got a mouth, a stomach, and an appetite, y’all are in like Flynn at the Freegan Festival!

And all this, this sharing, this comin' together—it ain't just about hunger; it’s 'bout us buildin' a better future. When we waste less food, we cut down on trash, we lower our carbon footprint, and we fight back against that thar climate crisis. So this Freegan Festival is ‘bout more than food and feedin’ your snouts—it’s about livin’ smarter, stayin’ connected, and makin’ sure we all have a place in this city, under the same blue sky. That’s American as apple pie—and just maybe y’all can find some slices of aplpe pie in one of them dumpsters compliments of all the 7-elevens and all them Cuban bakeries—some ham croquettes, too! Just imagine them culinarian and epicurious possibilities!  

Now let me tell y’all another thing what makes this Freegan Festival such a fine idear. See, them supermarkets ‘round Miami done jacked up their prices so high a turkey buzzard would git a nosebleed flyin’ over them. Folks walk in them supermarkets hopin’ to buy groceries and walk out holdin’ their empty wallets like they’s goin’ to an undertaker’s ball. But here’s the funny part! Them same stores what refuse to lower prices got themselves dumpsters full of perfectly good food what didn’t sell before them expiration stickers done scared everybody off. So instead of lettin’ all that bread, fruit, croquettes, and fancy yogurt cups rot behind a locked gate, why not roll them dumpsters right out onto the sidewalk where good folks can make proper use of them? If them stores insist on price gougin’ till them shelves look like a shuttered mall, then the least they can do is let them leftovers rejoin the public what paid for the whole system in the first place! After all, if the prices ain’t comin’ down, them dumpsters might as well come out! Know what I mean? I think ya do!

Now so far, this here is just an idear, but I went on over to my friends at the Dada Bloq, and told them ‘bout it some. They said it was good! They even put together some primal pictures what we can use to git the ball rollin’. I used them in this here post to give all y’all the spirit of the thing. So, they’s a gonna help to organize this and all y’all out thar what wanna lend a hand, or git yourselves a helpin’ hand can stay tuned and follow along as we put this together. And don't ferget, thar's gonna be lotsa branding and marketin' and social-influezerin' opportunities fer all y'all bigwigs to jump in on with this here gastronomical cultural event. Together we can—on account that’s how feasts and free-fer-alls are made. Know what I mean? I think ya do. 

All the best,

Judd 🪠

Read This Now! Tricksters, Crackers and Gods!

Howdy, Folks n’ Kin!

This here’s Judd Jugmonger, but I reckon y’all knew that. It’s been awhile since I posted on this here blog on account I’ve been busy goin’ ‘round and lookin’ at this and that and not much else. That’s the way we do it in Miami! I’ve been gettin’ lotsa idears fer all sorts of this, that and the other. Mainly, I’ve been takin’ it easy. Y’all know how it is. But, them holidays’ seasonal times is here! Time fer that good ole holiday marketin’ spirit on account Thanksgivin’ and Black Friday is just around corner! That’s right, so it’s time to git cookin’ again before we all gotsta make them resolutionals what we’s just gonna break anyway. Ain’t that the truth!

So here’s the Jugmongers news whats good fer all y’all to follow up on and to put your seasonal spendin’ money where it’s good at! I’s in another one of them novels what was written by my good friend, Jay Leonard Schwartz—with lotsa input from me, yours truly, Judd Jugmonger!

The book is called, Tricksters, Crackers, and Gods: Roy and Judd’s Inferno and Florida Odyssey, and it’s based on a true story ‘bout what happened to me so I know it’s the truth! When I tell y’all I git around, you know I ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie! Of course, there’s some other folks in the book, too, and y’all can read ‘bout them, as well—on account of readin’ is fundermental to all y’all’s brains! 

In this tale, me and this feller Roy go all over creation—that means to Hell n’ back—to save Florida and us all from the climate crisis and a nuclear catastrophical—that’s like an apocalypitical, a category 6 hurricane, and and the Big Bang all rolled into one! That all spells a watery doom fer Florida—the big kaboom! 

I tell y’all what—it’s a big story and in it I met lotsa good folk, like Orpheus and Persephone, what I organized a bluegrass hootenanny with not far from the river Styx. Of course, we also met some other not-too-nice Greek folks like Hades, Hermes, Amphitrite, Proctos, and them three ornery judges, Minos, Aeacus, and Rhadamanthus what I reckon I got under them’s dander some. Heck, even that old Devil managed to horn in on the action, just to protect his interest down there where it’s hotter than a parkin’ lot at the Disney World in July. That’s what it is if'n y’all fall down a hole and end up in them Underworld parts, just like me and Roy! 

When I got back from that adventure down yonder, I told Jay my story, and he wrote it all down. Then, his pals at Dada Bloq went ahead and published it all, just like them other books what’s I’m in, O Little Central Florida Town Of Florida Town Of Bedlam and Climate Riot. 

I also told Jay another story ‘bout another time I had to save the world—again! That thar’s a doozy of a tale what I had with a real live tree-humpin’ Florida Skunk Ape, some talkin’ iguanas (what didn’t git barbecued none, even though we was in Wepesiwa Beach, Florida) and even some visitors from the outer space! Y’all will havta wait some fer that book to come out, but meanwhile y’all can enjoy the Tricksters, Crackers and Gods book. And, the best part is what if'n y’all buy that book I can git me a cut which is good on account I need to git me over to the studio to record some new music fer y’all! 

Somethin’ else I wanted to say was why them folks over at Dada Bloq publishin’ decided to name the book, Tricksters, Crackers and Gods. I done scratched my head over that one some on account I wasn’t sure none if'n that thar feller Roy was a trickster or what. Truth be told, I thought he was just one of them anti-social too-much-fiber-in-my-diet blocked-up types—y’all know how they is. The “Crackers” in the title ain’t the eatin’ kind! That thar’s me! I ain’t no redneck none; I’m just a honest to good Florida Cracker. That’s how it is. As fer them “Gods” in the title, well, this here book ain’t no Bible none … even though that thar Devil shows his horny face in the story. Jolene, my sweety deety, says its on account cause some of them Greek folks in the tale gots the same names as them ancient Greek gods in what they call the mythology from them olden days. But, I can tell y’all one thing fer sure what’s this book ain’t no history lesson none! I reckon y’all havta ask the publisher and them historical folk, like Mr. Webster and Mr. Oxford.

So that’s it fer me fer now! All y'all are on the internet anyway, so git on over to the Amazon website and git yourselves a bunch of them books—and go and tell all y’all’s friends and kinfolk that Judd Jugmonger says fer them to do the same!

Seasonal Greetings and Happy Holiday to y’all! I sure do hope Santy Claus brings all y’all lots of them books!

- Judd PS. Don't ferget! Click here fer the link to the book what y'all should buy! And don't ferget our music album, Jugmongers: Live At The Hoootenany what's on all them music platforms, Amazon, Spotify, the iTunes, and them others.

Miami-Dade County Mass TranSpit, MetroSnoozer, and MetroSnail

Howdy, folks and kin! This here is Judd Jugmonger. Now, I ain’t written in some time on account of I’ve been floatin’ ‘round like a loose barge in a hurricane on the Mississippi River. I is in Miami now, and I tell y’all what—even though them buildin’s is gettin' higher n' higher, that thar Magic City, where I was born, is goin’ to hell in a handbasket! Every time I come back here, it just gets worse n' worse, or as them Hispanish folk say, “Mi casa es tu caca.”

They gots homeless people over here, and more homeless people over there, and them city officials ain’t doin’ squat but gettin’ their pictures taken whenever they find a quarter on the ground. Of course, a big issue is the that thar climate change, but them developers and City of Miami Board of Commiserators (city officials on-the-take) are just grabbin’ money hand over fist to keep buildin’ them monstrosities before the bottom falls out—and I do mean that literarily! That's what Miami has become, nothin' but a MonstrosCity.

In another post, Imma gonna write about them tall buildings’ and such, whose ownin’ them and how everyone local and in the workforce is gittin’ priced outta this town. It's called gentrification which is different from them past geriatricification. Butt, today I’m gonna talk about them mass-transpit transportation issues. 

In them interests of humanity, I startin’ goin’ on the Twitter to tweet me some humanitarian whatnot fer all y’all out there. You can follow me there at: @Jugmongers

On the Twitter, I’ve been sharin’ some comments on a Miami History Walking Tour I’ve been doin’ where I give some idears ‘bout the city’s history—the kind them rich folks hate cause they wasn’t in it, so they try to pay their way in. You how them is, all them folks like them Firestones, Rocketfellers, Bramahams, and all them highfallutin’ Miami Beach mayors what don’t do much but pick lint from between their toes on Fisher Island and stuff their faces at Roasters Toasters on 41st Street. True history oughtsta be preserved as it is and as everyone knows it. But, it seems, just like everythin' else in MIami, some folks wanna be revisin’ it. So, I aim to stick it in their face—and the history, too!

Another stop on my Historical Miami 🦎 Walkin' Tour! Some folks say in 1947, this UFO landed in #MiamiBeach. Some aliens, what looked like them bass fishies, got out and signed an arts treaty with President Truman. Yes, it was a trap. #FishFry #History https://t.co/x7I8VJBAYS pic.twitter.com/OCqvxcf6W2

— Judd Jugmonger (@Jugmongers) December 28, 2022

Once I got on them twitterverses, I seen lots of folks what we’re goin on ‘bout how dumb them Miami-Dade County Government is what is runnin’ the show poorly. Them commiserators and city manglers don’t know which end is up. They can’t even git them escalators runnin’ at the city’s Metromover stations and them elevators at the Metrorail stations. It’s a disaster on the “Oh, the humanity!” level—just like that thar Hindenberg airship disaster.  

Climate Riot: Til The Cows Come Home

 Howdy, Folks and Kin, 

This here is Judd Jugmonger. I'm fine. How are you? I'm here to tell y'all what I got me a mention in a new story what will appear in a new book what's named, Climate Riot. I ain't so sure 'bout the title none on account I ain't the one what picked it none. But, I sure am in it. It's a collection of short stories, the most important, bein' the longest, is the one I is in. It's called, 'Til the Cows Come Home, and it's about me and some unfortunate episode I had with some corn what made me toot a lot from my nether regions. Know what I mean? I think you do. Also, some cows what are also doin' some tootin' are in it. 

My friend, Jay Leonard Schwartz, done write the whole book and, well, a lot of is fiction. I'll let y'all figure out what it and what ain't ... just don't be thinkin' that I go 'round tootin' a lot like that. If y'all believe that then I got me some real estate under the Venetian Causeway I gots to sell. 

All of them stories of this book is about climate crisis, not just the one about my butt. Them environmentalists, you know how them is, says what Miami is a gonna be underwater some time in the future on account of  global warming. If am all y'all even been to Miami, y'all would probably say, "yes, that's true." On the other hand, if and y'all got your heads stuck in the wet ground, live a lot of them government fellers at City Hall and up thar in Tallahassee, then you'd say, "Don't squirt on my leg and tell me it's rainin' ..." just like my song. 

Anyways, the point is for all y'all to get out and do your parts by buying this here book, so I can get me my little cut. Know what I mean? I think you do. And tell all y'alls kin that Judd Jugmonger says to go out and do the same.  Here's some of them details to just that. 

Order a discounted ePub copy here at this link: 

https://payhip.com/b/bGSMh 

For Kindle readers, order from Amazon at this link: 
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B1VNSF7Z

Note: This is a digital ebook on account of no trees is stupid enough to go and get itself killed just to make some of them paperbacks. When they do, then we'll git us some. In the meantime, get a hold of them ebooks and help same them environmentals. 

Lastly, I shouldn't be sayin' much 'bout this now, Jay's write himself another big novel, what we reckon will come out in them Summer months. Guess what? I is the star! No, I ain't kiddin' y'all. It's a big story what's got a lot actions in it. Someone oughtsta make a movie from it ... so I can get me some credit and get on one of them Hollywood set with them free buffet tables. No, folks, I ain't talkin' 'bout no Hollywood, Florida. 😶

Well, that's all I gotsta say 'bout that. Y'all knows what to do, so get on it. - Judd

O Little Central Florida Town of Bedlam

 Howdy Folks & Kin!

This here is Judd Jugmonger! I tell y'all what, I cain't believe it's been so many years since I updated this dang blog. I don't know about y'all but it sure seems like the whole world has gone to hell in a handbasket—and I ain't talkin' 'bout no Easter Bunny's handbasket, that's fer sure!

We got some Corona viruses over here and over there—and just about everywhere! The last time I seen so many people wearin' masks it was when we all thought Cousin Justin got the consumption some, though it was only his coughin' up about a bushel of beets he done scarfed down what some poor Ruskie, named Vlad, wanted to make borscht with. Or, maybe it was Halloweeney. Hmm, I ain't so sure now.

Also, I seen we had some damn fool fer the President-in-Chief what laid out so much hot air, talkin' 'bout himself and fightin' with this one and that one, that the world has got a gobal warmin' crisis now and Miami is sinkin' into the ground! And to think that only a while's back they was a blamin' all them innocent fartin' cows—and when in reality it was that there Donald J. Trump the whole time. If y'all ask me, he owes them cows an apology! 

50 Years And Countin'

Howdy Folks and Kin!

I know I ain't been 'round much ... well at least not in these web parts ... but this summer good things are a comin', so I'm here to tell all y'all to hold on to all y'alls britches! I got me some new ideas what I want to work on and come hell or high water and I aim to do just that.

By the way, the calendar on the wall says today is my birthday. That's right. I am 50 years old, well on my way to bein' one of them centurians ... or is it centenarians? I guess I gots to break out my Funk & Wagnalls some and take a gander. But in my days loiterin' about this planet, I've had plenty of time to think on a few of them worldly issues what we are all facin' - and I says 'we' on account of 'we' is all in this stew pot together. Now I ain't no Buddah none, despite my pot belly, but I think it's time some of us need to 'shit' or get off the pot, and make this world a better place for all - and I aim to start with me.

Now, I reckon there are lots of folks what don't know what a 'humanitarian' is. No, it ain't got nothin' to do with them vegetarian folks. And no, it ain't got nothin' to do with eatin' them rich folks or banksters. It's 'bout makin' a difference in the lives of your fellow men or women. Them humanitarians are good folks what wanna do right by most ... and maybe even get themselves one of them Nobel Peace Prizes - what must fetch more than a pretty penny at them pawn shops ... not sayin' that matters to me none ... but uh ... well y'all know what I mean what with these hard times and all.

I've been spendin' some time ridin' the old KV rail line goin' nowhere in particular. Have been stayin' for a spell in Tohopkee just shootin' the breeze with nature and playin' my harmonica. Gots lots of time on my hands what with this economic regression still goin' on. It's been rough as a cob on most folks I know, especially me! Why, even my sweety deety Jolene done up and went to spend time with her folks what were feelin' poorly, and ended up stayin' over there in Gulf Breeze - where they got plenty of folk what are sittin' in some pretty high cotton, if you know what I mean. I think you do! Truth be known, I sure miss her though and can't help but feelin' I got me the wrong end of the eatin' stick! Sendin' her my love, as always.

Ok, am gettin' hungry and since there ain't no use in arguin' with a fence post, I'm a gonna wrap up these proceedings here. Hope to be in touch with y'all soon. Meanwhile, at 50 years old, all I have to say is to remember that 'every day above ground is a good one'.

All the best,
Judd Jugmonger

Elephants And Pigskins

Howdy Folks & Kin!

On account of this here is a sort of a week-off for us NFL fans, I thought I'd pass along to y'all my thoughts on politics, being that this here is an election year. Lots of folks have written me askin' 'bout what I think 'bout them GOP candidates what are steppin' over each others' cracks tryin' to get in line to get walloped by President Obama come this November.

First of all y'all have to know that I ain't no tea-bagger and I ain't no republican. That's right. I'm a coffee drinker and I aim to stay that way. As of now, I'm plannin' on votin' for Obama on account he ain't gonna take away some of my kin's food stamps, like them republicans are a wantin' to do all the time to give them to their banker friends and Big Business lobbyists what don;t need none in the first place! That there makes me madder than a mule chewin' on bumblebees!

Ok, as of today, we got us the followin' sorry bunch of fellers: Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul. Here's what I think 'bout then ne'er do wells.

Rick Santorum: I don't like that Rick Santorum none. It seems to me he's one of them bible-thumpin' corn-flake chewers. In fact, I ain't so sure, and don't go a quotin' me but I got an itchin' that Michelle Bachmann (what got her own campaign wrecked by a corndog) was really him in 'drag'. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Heck, I looked up that there feller's name on the internet, and what I came up with first on the Google was this: http://spreadingsantorum.com/   Now, I don't know 'bout all y'all but no sir, I don't want me none of that stuff in the oval office!

Another problem I got with that there Rick Santorum is that he walks and talks like one of them bible thumpers. I reckon he ain't got no gumption in tellin' me that I is a heathen and am goin' to hell. Folks, who y'all vote for is your business, but I tell y'all what, I for one ain't gonna vote for no one what's gonna tell me to go to hell! I suggest y'all do the same!

Billy Romney

Mitt Romney: Ok, here we got us a Mormon. I reckon that's all what needs to be said 'bout that! Ok, I'm just joshin' a bit, but for many folsk that there is strike one. He's a rich feller, too, and most likely knows lots a of bankers, so that's strike two!

Strike 3? Well, I tell y'all what folks, I read somewhere what his real name is 'Billy' but he didn't like that name too much, so he asked his kindergarten teacher to call him "Mitt". I wouldn't vote for a candidate what gots issues with his own name! Would you? 

Newt Gingrich: I remember this cry-baby from back in them 80s ... or was it them 90s? Y'all remember back when Clinton was the president. This one likes to hoot n' holler and get his feathers all riled up and stuff. I also read that he likes spendin' time in zoos. 

Newt Gingrich / Jimmy Johnson

Now the truth is I think he's got him some fancy ideas about this that and whatnot, some of which may not be that bad. All in all though, he don't seem like a 'team' player which is what y'all got to be in Washington, especially if y'all want to get any real work done. It seems to me he's a wantin' to blow his horn a bit too much and in a way what's out of tune with what his party likes to hear.

I tell y'all what else: he reminds me of Jimmy Johnson what ditched our Fins way back when to go fishin'. Is that the kind of man y'all want to lead this country? I think not, and I am unanimous is my decision.

Mostly, I reckon he's just a cranky feller, and I wouldn't give my vote to no cranks! So that's all I have to say 'bout that. 

Ron Paul

Ron Paul: Here's a dodderin' old feller what's got some good ideas on the fixin' the economical regression. Other than that though, he ain't got a whole lot to say 'bout no nothin. He's one of them 'Libertarians' what think they know what our country's foundin' fathers had in mind when they wrote that there U.S. Constitution. 

I don't know, but that there Paul feller is older than Methuselah; maybe he was there in 1776, as I said, I don't know. What I do know is that regular folks don't seem to take a shine to him on account of he reminds them of their grand-pappys. So he's a like a snowball's chance of hell of winnin' the Pabst Blue Ribbon, so givin' him your vote is like throwin' a pumpkin pie down the outhouse hole.

Ok! Enough with politics! Let's talk us some football!

Superbowl Update: 

I still think them New England Patriots is a gonna beat them New York Giants into next season. Personally, I'm gonna root for them Giants and Eli Mannin' - but honestly folks, that's like rootin' for that there Ron Paul. Still, if them Giants can knock that there cheatin' Bill Belichick back to hell, that will be fine by me. Just don't bet the farm on it!

Miami Dolphins Update:

I sure am is excited by some of them coachin' fellers what are gettin' hired to lead our Fins to the Super Bowl! I sure am happy we're done with Dallas Cowboys' retreads and 'has beens'. Of course, general mangler Jeff Ireland is still yankin' some outhouse chains some ... but folks if he can land us a franchise QB sooner than yesterday, then I for one will be willing to shake the man's hand and let bygones be bygones. Time to move forward and kick us some butt.

I also know there's lots of defense talk 'bout changin' from the 3-4 to the 4-3 and uh 6 of one, half a dozen of them others. To me, it don't take mean much of hoo-ha what we do as long as our players know how to tackle, cover and strip that ball away from our opponents. This ain't rocket science, folks! It's how the game is one for all them 'elite' teams ... like we was way back when in them glory days.

A Pain In The Neck

As for our hunt for a franchise QB, I think them chips are still on the table. I ain't 100% sure 'bout Green Bay backup Matt Flynn. Of course, it would be great to see Peyton Manning suit as a Dolphin, but I just don't see him bein' the long term answer. Also, I know all about them pain in the necks on account of blowin' my harmonica too hard. I'm sorry to say that them sort of pains are not easily fixed. So what I'm sayin' folks is that I reckon Peyton Manning is a gonna need to hang his cleets up on the retirement line and get him a cushy job as a broadcaster. Sorry, hoss.

Matt Moore? Well, don't get all y'all's long-johns in a twist none, but I think he's someone to develop. I think he came on strong last season and done us all proud - and he did that without really gettin' a good off season under his belt on account of that blasted union lock out. Still, I got a feelin' that he ain't gonna pick up on Joe Philbin's new offense, too well. 

Needs to shine in practice

See, in practice and trainin' camps, he never really impressed them coaches enough to land him a startin' position. Maybe he's just more of 'let's get on the field and kick us some butt' type QB what don't like to learn playbooks and such. I don't know. What I do know is that head coach Joe Philbin is gonna make them players use them noggin's more off the field. I just don't think that's gonna sit well with Matt Moore. Now, I ain't sayin' he's one can short of a six-pack when it comes to brains - I'm just sayin' he needs to smarten up off the field and in practice - and show then new coaches what he's the best man for the job. If he ain't gonna compete, well then he oughsta find himself a seat on that there short bus what QB Chad Henne is gonna drive way from Joe Robbie Stadium, of whatever the heck it is it's called these day.

Draft day? Yes sir, lots of folks are surely and already goin' off 'bout them draft picks. I reckon y'all know that unless we trade up some, there's slim pickin's at QB. So don't be surprised none if we end up with another offensive lineman, That's what it is folks. 

Well, that's it for me! And now some words of wisdom, especially for them republican condiments: Ain't no one drowns by fallin' in the water. Y'all drown by stayin there!

All the best, - Judd Jugmonger

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Here's some good readin' what I recommend!

Champions And Chumps: NFL Championship Games 2012

Howdy Folks and Kin,

Well, here we are, a few days away from them NFL championship games. I sure was surprised them Green Bay cheese-heads didn't fare too well none and had to say fare well in the end. Then again, they was feelin' poorly and all, and just didn't bring their best game. That's pretty much all I have to say about that. It's a cryin' shame, but on any given Sunday, that's just the way them 'green cheese' cookies crumble. Meanwhile, here are my thoughts on them upcomin' games and whatnot..

AFC Championship Game:

First we got us them QB Joe Flacco the wacko and his Baltimore Ravens goin' up against them New England Patriots and QB Tom Brady. Heck folks, there ain't no brainer here,Tom Brady is gonna wallop him some them Baltimore birdies. And it ain't just Tom Brady them birdies have to worry 'bout, it's that their cheatin' coach Bill Belichick. OK, I tell y'all what I don't like him none, but I surely do respect his strategizin' and game plannin'. Heck, y'all have to give him credit for knowing how to ride them other teams hard and putting them away wet ... even if he is a no count cheater.

Anyway, I'd be surprised if anything get in them Pat's way this weekend, and if and when they go though to the big game, I'm gonna root against. Heck, for all y'all what like to root or bet on them underdogs, which in case would be them Ravens, all I have to say is it's your money to lose.


So that's that. Go with them New England Patriots what will leave them Baltimore Ravens holdin' the wrong end of the eatin' stick.

NFC Championship Game:

Meanwhile, over there in the NFC championship game, we got us them New York Giants vs. them San Francisco 49ers. It's them Giant's QB Eli Manning vs. them 49er's QB Alex Smith. Sure, both teams got lots of other players and coaches, too, y'all know this here is a gonna be an air war to remember. At the end of the day, I say them 49er's are a gonna ride the short bus home from the stadium. The way I see it, them Giants receivers are just gonna run wild, and them Giants pass rush will have QB Alex Smith on his toes ... and if they catch him, then also maybe with his mouth full of dirt. Folks, I don't need to spin me my little pigskin none to prognosticate that them Giants will win the Pabst Blue Ribbon.


Ok, so that them is my picks for what teams get to go head to head in the Super Bowl: Them Patriots vs. them Giants. Now y'all know that I ain't much of a gambler, but I know some of y'all are. If y'all win some of that there green, well, don't forget about me, and do the right thing by leavin' yours truly a tip, and I don't mean a stock tip! Know what I mean? I think y'all do.


All right! Now that we got that bit of business over and done with, let get on with it on account of we got us some Fins talk to digest.

Dolphins Thoughts (no bull, no tuna):

Ok, well I guess y'all know that there's lots of comin' and goin's among them NFL coaches. Here in Miami, I'm expectin' an announcement any moment on who's a gonna take the reigns of my Miami Dolphins. It surely ain't gonna be no superstar coach walkin' down that there orange carpet as owner Steve Ross promised and couldn't deliver.

But folks and Fin fans, let's be honest, whoever the new coach is, we need to get on the bandwagon, support him, root for the home team, kick ass and ... uh, in general, Go Fins! At this point I'd just like to get those dog and pony show on the road!

Who do I think them Fins management will pick? Well, I'd say whoever can land us a franchise QB. Here's my prognostications for who's goin' to the QB prom and with whom ... this ain't rocket science, folks:

It's Joe Philbin (Green Bay) what will bring us star backup QB Mat Flynn or it's Mike McCoy (Bengals) what will bring us Tim Tebow. Personally, I suspect it's gonna be McCoy on account I think Steve Ross wants to see himself prancin' down that there orange carpet with Tim genuflectin' Tebow.

As for current interim head coach Todd Bowles, well I reckon he's gonna take over for Mike Nolan as our defensive coordinator - so he don't need to bring no one to the QB prom. I wouldn't be surprised though if some other sorry team, like Oakland, snaps him up as their new head coach. He's a good man and I think he'll do a fine job wherever here goes. But I just don't think he' gotta snow ball's chance in hell of gettin' the head coach job here.

I ain't gonna say much 'bout our Dolphin's general mangler Jeff Ireland, cept' maybe he oughtsta wipe some of that there whatnot from his nose. That's right, as the sayin' goes, "my cow done up and died last night so I don’t need none of your bull". time for him to skidaddle on out of here, and that's a fact. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Jugmonger News:

Not much to say here folks. Things here at the Katywonkered Cafe' are still slow on account of the economic regression. I've been workin' on some of the new songs we're gettin' set to put together for the new record. My darlin' Jolene came back from a visitin' her folks. Apparently, they got them some new fangled indoor plumbin' now and done dispensed with their double decker outhouse. Yes, they surely is sittin' in some pretty high cotton way over yonder in Gulf Breeze. As Bob Dylan sang, "y'all don't know need a weatherman to tell which the wind is blowin'" up there! 

I tell y'all what, I just don't know what this old world is comin' to. Talk about goin' to hell in a hand-basket ... just like them Indianapolis Colts. But that there is another story!


All the best,

- Judd

PS: JUGMONGER NEWSFLASH!

Hey, y'all! It's been reported that there cheese-head Joe Philbin will be the new Miami Dolphins' Head Coach! Glory Be! Can I pick'em or what?