Judd Jugmonger's NFL Picks - 2011 - Week 2

Howdy Folks and Kin,

I got me my prognostications for week 2 of them NFL games. That means I got all the picks what y'all will need to win y'all some baby back ribs, and to send me some, too! This week some teams are winners and some are losers. For all y'all losers I got some good news: this week for a limited time only (that's what they say over at the Piggly Wiggly) y'all have the chance to even it up! Some of them teams will take that chance, and others, well they just is a gonna end smellin' like ... what Ron Jaworski said last week.

Ok, so here we go with my picks!

Seattle Seahawks (0-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)

Ok first up we got us a pair of losers. I reckon that them Steelers QB Big Ben Roethlisberger is gonna bounce back big time, while them grungy seagulls are still tryin' to fnd their special teams and offense after them 49ers did a number on them last week. I hope them Seahawks keep them feathers numbers for just such occasions. So I say go with them Steelers!

Oakland Raiders (1-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-0)

All right, now we got us them two winners. Now normally I wouldn't say too much 'bout these teams, especially them Bills. Them Bills' QB Ryan Fitzpatrick was hotter than a two dollar pistol last week. If his front line can hold up against them Raiderin' one eyes, well then them Bills have a good chance at winnin' two in a row, and they is at home! So I say go with them Bills, for this week at least.

Arizona Cardinals (1-0) at Washington Redskins (1-0)

Ok, now we got us some winners. Looks like them red birds need to take a lesson from them Seahawks and keep their feathers numbered too, on account of they are gonna get their feathers more than ruffled by Washington QB Rex Grossman. He's gonna try to do his best Cam Newton impression this week. Go with them Redskins!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) at Minnesota Vikings (0-1)

All right we got us some losers and I tell y'all what, this game could be uglier than a shaved poodle wearin' a zoot suit. Vikings' QB Donovan '39-yards' McNab is sort of playin' like a stuck hog. I'd like to think this was a one-off cow pie he stepped in ... but I think he's gonna get his other foot in the mess this week, too. So I say there's gonna be some yo ho ho this week in Tampa Bay, Go with them Buccaneers!

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0) at New York Jets (1-0)

Ok, now we got us some winners, at least until Sunday. Them metal birdies sure got lucky last week, and most folks know it. This week they and QB Mark 'smile pretty' Sanchez is a gonna want to take things on their on their own terms to show the world what they is really made of. Can you spell defense? Them Jacksonville kitties are gonna go runnin' for the litter box. Fly with them Jets!

Chicago Bears (1-0) at New Orleans Saints (0-1)

Ok this here is a gonna be a good game. it's Bears' QB Jay Cutler vs. Saints' QB Drew 'call him the Breeze' Brees. As far as I know, it don't take no rocket scientist to know which way the pigskin is gonna roll on this one. Looks like last week's losers are this wee'sk winners, and vice versa. Sorry Bears. Time to pray with them Saints!

Green Bay Packers (1-0) at Carolina Panthers (0-1)

All right now we got another good game here, with more winners and losers! Panthers' youngin' QB Cam Newton vs. Packers' QB Aaron Rodgers. Yes, there's a gonna be an air war. What I ain't so sure about is them Carolina kitties' defense. So I say, 'nothin' can be finer than to be in a Carolina' ... 'cept for them Panthers and their fans. Go with them Packers!

Baltimore Ravens (1-0) at Tennessee Titans (0-1)

Ok last week them Ravens picked all the meat off them Steelers' bones. This week it's easy pickings, too. Them Tennessee big boys are gonna lie down for them birdies. Ravens' QB Joe Flacco gets to go wacko all he wants and will hand the keys over to this weeks' short bus driver Titans QB Matt Hasselbeck. Folks, fly with them Ravens.

Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) at Detroit Lions (1-0)

Ok, last week them Chiefs got caught with their pants down. This week they go on over yonder to Detroit whats offense is all revved up. I sure hope them Indians don't forget to bring their defense. I reckon that Lions' QB Matt Stafford is gonna gonna be hotter than a goat's butt on a pepper patch, and don't forget DT Ndamukong Suh! So I say roar with them Lions!

Cleveland Browns (0-1) at Indianapolis Colts (0-1)

Warning! Losers ahead! Time for the wind breakin' Stinker Bowl of the week! That's right folks, when you are sad and lonely and gots no place to go, go and get your clothes pins and stick them on your nose! Cause it's the Stinker Bowl! And this week, wavin' their banners low is them Browns and them Colts. What's that you say? Them Colts? That's right. Peyton Manning still got him a pain in the neck, so that's that. Them Browns don't got much of a runnin' game and youngin' QB Colt McCoy ain't done enough to make up for it. Folks, I had to spin me my little pigskin for this game and it pointed to them Browns, what hopefully won't get flushed this week. Ok, so go with them Browns in this sinfully ugly game.

Dallas Cowboys (0-1) at San Francisco 49ers (1-0)

Ok, last week them Cowgirls were so ugly they could've knocked a mess of flies off a wagon of whatnot (translation: what Ron Jaworski said last week). Know what I mean, I think y'all do! Most folks are hopin' that QB Tony Romo will get busy this week and show 49ers' QB Alex Smith how to get'er done. Hey Dolfans! Remember Ted Ginn? Look what that youngin' did last week! 268 combined return yards and two touchdowns. Lord, I'm sure he did his family proud. All I got to say is what Ron Jaworski said last week. Anyway I should go with them Cowboys and Tony Romo but I got a feelin' that this week is a gonna be a repeat of last week. So I say go with the 49ers!

Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) at Denver Broncos (0-1)

All right. This week we got us six of one and half a dozen of the other. I can't tell the difference between these two teams. If them Broncos turn over the ball like they did last week, it's gonna be a long day. All them Dolfans what were callin' for a trade for QB Kyle Orton are lookin' like they is one can short of a six-pack. Meanwhile them Bengals came from behind last week and took home the Pabst Blue Ribbon. This week QB Andy Dalton is lookin' to return from his ills. I think he's gonna given them a 2nd win, even if it kills him. So go with them Bengals!

San Diego Chargers (1-0) at New England Patriots (1-0)

Ok, now we got us some winners and an air war. Pats QB Tom Brady vs. Chargers' QB Phil Rivers. Folk's if y'all like to see a good runnin' and rushin' game ... this ain't the one, unless cheatin' Bill Belicheck pulls a fast one. At the end of the day only one of them QBs is gonna end up playin' catch up. The team with the most errors loses. I say go with them Patriots in what most folks think is the game of the week!

Houston Texans (1-0) at Miami Dolphins (0-1)

Ok Dolfans, here we go. All I had to say 'bout last week's loss to them Pats I done said in my last post. So this week hope springs anew ... I hope! If our secondary get them a mess of cramps again, I'm gonna pitch me a fit! This here is a must-win game for us. The good news is our top draft pick, RB Daniel Thomas, will play this week, so finally get to see what RB Reggie Bush and him look like in the backfield together. The bad news is that Chargers' RB Arian Foster will be back too this week, and if our defense don't show up again, we're gonna be tuna meat. This one's a nail biter folks! I'm lookin' for QB Chad Henne to step up and show us his performance last week was no fluke. Folks, as much as most folks think I'm wrong, I'm still gonna go with my Fins! Swim with them Dolphins!

Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) at Atlanta Falcons (0-1)

All right, now we got us a bird fight. Eagles QB Michael (woof woof) Vick vs. Falcons QB Matt Ryan. Nothin' to see here folks, just move a long and watch Vick's game highlights on Monday morning. I prognosticate that Vick will go down to his old home and make them Falcons eat crow. Lots of emotion in this game folks, so get ready for the tears. Go with them Eagles!

St. Louis Rams (0-1) at New York Giants (0-1)

Ok, we wrap on Monday night with some losers. Both teams are feelin' poorly after their losses last week. Both teams are lookin' like zombies hankerin' for a hospital bed. Rams QB Sam Bradford has got a chance to make the difference, but I prognosticate that Giants' QB Eli Manning will do the same. This here is another game I had to spin me my little pigskin, and it pointed to them Rams, and I agree. I think them Giants' defense is just too banged up to put up much of a fight. So go with them Rams!

Ok, that's it's fer me folks. Them is my picks! Now, I tell you all what, as far as I can tell none of y'all sent me any money last week from all y'alls winnings. How in the heck am I supposed to stay on that there South Beach Diet if I ain't got no money to eat all that protein like ribs and chicken? This week, y'all can do the right thing and keep me healthy! So don't forget me, especially after I just gave y'all them winnin' picks.  Oh, and tell all your friends and kin that Judd Jugmonger says to do the same!

Ok. so this here is a starvin' Judd Jugmonger signin' off from the Katywonkered Cafe' with some words a wisdom: A rose always comes up smellin' like a rose ... unless it fell into a pile of ... what Ron Jaworski said.

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Cramps And Bubbles

Howdy Folks and Kin,

I tell y'all what, they say that every dark cloud has a silver linin'. If you ask me, I say that every silver linin' has a dark cloud. Know what I mean? I think y'all do! Last night our MIami Dolphins started the regular season by losin' to them England Patroits. I feel worse than a hound dog what puked and then ate it.

I was hopin' for a much better showin' by our team, and I especially had an eye out for 'Check Down' Hangin' Chad The Robot Henne. Now, I'll be the first to admit that we fans have been mighty hard on that yougin', but done brought the outhouse done on him by givin' away 'pick sixes' to opposin' teams and other such what not. Thankfully, I think Chad has got his nuts and bolts and Ps and Qs on straight so far this year. Last night I think he did the best could, and I'll be the first to admit he done this team proud. As long as he keeps rippin' off 20 yards checks and keeps throwin' the ball on target and without thinkin' 'bout it, then that's better than snuff and ain't half as dusty.

On the other hand, them defensive boys were lookin uglier than a wart on a toad's butt. In fact, I heard our corner backs, Davis and Smith, got cramps! Cramps?!! There ain't no cramps in professional football! And wheres in tarnation where our safeties?

If you ask me, it's time to pop that practice field bubble! Our home team advantage was always the blazin' sum and humidity. I remember in the glory days, when some of them Northern teams would get so tuckered out they looked liked a droopy pair of drawers on a skinny hound dog. I remember the day them Yankees were just passin' out from our climatical conditions. Today, it's us what is waddlin' around with exhaustion, and to boot our team is askin' the NFL to get away from 1:00pm kickoffs! It's a cryin' a shame! Where did all the 'real football players' go? Might as well forget pads and jsut wear some of them Armani suits to practice! Time to BURST THAT BUBBLE and get us some wins!

By the way, can somone tell me where in the heck did our runnin' game go? I was happy we resigned that there big feller Larry Johnson, but all I saw was Reggie Bush gettin' runnin' into lot's of folks behinds. We need some us balance on offense, and we need it quick ... otherwise we might as well start handin' out some Butt Paste to some of our players!

As for them Tom 'cheatin' Belichick and them Patriot, well, it don't take no rocket scientist to know that cream always rises to the top. Still, our defense looked like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Talk about bein' one can short of a six-pack!

Oh yeah, I also want to mention somethin' 'bout all the, holier than thou types are as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full o' rocking chairs on account of former QB turned announcer Ron 'Jaws' Jaworski said 'shit' on TV. Folks, if we can say 'scat' back, we can certianly say 'shit'. Tell them censors they don't know jack shit 'bout shit if they be so worried 'bout that sort of shit. Now what I mean? I think y'all do!

Now I know it's only the 1st week, and well let's be honest we did play against Tom Brady what just never gets his feathers ruffled. Lord knows he's tougher than a one eared alley cat in heat. I hope Chad Henne was watchin' on accout of he can a thing or two ... eventhough he did right by me last night.

Better luck next week boys! Anyways as always, Go Fins!

Links:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d83451b26169e2014e8b845341970d
http://miamiherald.typepad.com/dolphins_in_depth/2011/09/patriots-put-cramp-in-the-dolphins-home-weather-advantage.html

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/sfl-tony-sparano-transcript-20110912,0,5209698.story

Pigskin And Fish Fiesta: Preseason Dolphins Report

Howdy Folks And Kin!

Well Hallelujah! NFL football is back, and so am I! That's right, I'm rarin' to go with my picks fer the regular season, which y'all can read about right here weekly on this. Meanwhile, until the regular season of up and runnin' I'm gonna be nice enough to give y'all some Miami Dolphins updates because that's what gets my 'ya-yas' goin'!

Ok, it's been a long off season, what with the NFL lockout and all, and I'll be honest with y'all there were times when I wasn't so sure there was gonna be any gridiron play at all! But bless my pigskin and butter my biscuit, if we don't we got us a season starin' us in the face, and even some pre-season games to boot! So I'm happier than a skinny tick on a fat hound these days!

Now as most of y'all know, I am a lifelong Dolfan, goin' way back to even before that thar Perfect Season, glory be! It's been a long long Superbowl-less drought for us fans what want to see our Fins winnin' the big game and that thar Pabst Blue Ribbon, to boot! Each season, we put our hopes up on high, but by the end of the season, them hopes are doin' the Baton Death March. But, here we go again, gluttons fer punishment I think, and what sours my mash is that we still ain't got us no 'franchise' quarterback!

Now over the last week, there's been lots of 'this n' that' goin' round 'bout our quarterback situation … again. There was lots of talk over the lockout 'bout us signin' folks like Vince Young, Carson Palmer, Kyle Orton, or even Marc Bulger. Heck, I even heard some folks down at the Katy Wonkered Cafe' sayin' we should gt us Brett "Geritol" Favre!

Chad Henne

Now even a one-eyed newt can see that them Fins, and this includes yours truly, don't want no part of no QB Chad Henne. Nevertheless, here we are once again for the second year in a row starting the pre-season with Henne (not Penny) penciled in as the starter on top of the depth roster. We also keep hearin' owner Stephen 'Orange Carpet' Ross talkin' 'bout how much confidence he has in Chad, and how much respect he's got for general mangler Jeff Ireland, what can't play QB neither.

For a few days, it seemed liked we was a gonna git Orton, but as of now that ain't a done deal. It seems like some folks in them Fin's organization just can't get'er done. That's right, looks like Ireland is too busy playin' chicken with them Denver Bronco's management., or thinkin' about how he let former 'Fins QB lookin' to be new Redskins startin' QB John Beck' go. Anyway y'all shake and bake it, we end up with the same fer now; once again, we the fans are denied of our high hopes for a Super Bowl win this season.

Now as I said I understand that the Orton deal ain't toes up yet, but if ya ask me, I think that thar saucer has been washed, blown, dried and put away in the pantry. Meanwhile, it's been 'Hello Kitty', look what the cat done dragged in. Ireland has gone and signed QB Matt Moore, what was a back up them Carolina Panthers. Of course the question is 'why' and the answer, as always is to provide some competition fer Chad Henne. Folks, I say if it looks like a third stringer, acts like a third stringer, and quacks like a third stringer, it ain't no startin' quarterback. So, I don't rightly know what the Fins management is thinkin'.

Newsflash: Hold on to your drawers, folks, I just heard on the news that Chad Henne got booed today at the practice scrimmage. In fact, not only did he get booed, but some ornery folks were callin' fer Kyle Orton! Now I ain't gonna say that them fans is always right, but in this case I think this here is a no brainer. Thar ain't no need to get all emotional about this folks, because the way I see it this here is a numbers games. And, well, that's the problem. This Chad is hangin' in the wind on account of he keeps hittin' opposin' defenses in the numbers!

Now yesterday, cousin Justin asked me what I thought of Kyle Orton. I told him that I got me a good feelin' 'bout this feller and I surely would like to see him suit up as a Dolphin against them Patriots in the opening games. I don't think he's the second comin' of Dan Marino none, but I sure think he's got a few more notches up the experience belt than Chad Henne does. I also think he's got more smarts to get the job done. And, if we got u a good offensive line, which it lookin' more and more like we will, and some playmakers what can stretch the field, then we got us a chance.

Speakin' of stretchin', own own WR diva Brandon Marshall has been stretchin' his jaws again. Looks like he wants to be the poster boy fer bi-polar disorder … which by the way ain't got nothin' to do with where he wants to put his 'what not'. Of course, even if it did, that thar would be his own business, as long as he get it's done in the field where his mind, hands, and legs should be at ... and other body parts, too. Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

The other big news in Dolphins camp these days is the return of Jason Taylor. Now I'll tell y'all what, I know that there's lots of fans what like that thar JT, and are as happy as pigs in a blanket that he's a comin' back. Butt folks, I'll be honest in tellin' y'all that re-signin' that twinkie toes just don't sit right by me, and here's why: You see, I reckon that bringing JT and his dancin' shoes back is just a marketin' ploy by Mr. Orange Carpet himself, Stephen Ross. Sure, it's a popular move with them fans what would like to see JT retire a Miami Dolphin. Well folks, it seems to me that lots of fans ain't got their priorities screwed on straight!

What we need is players what will help us win, AND get us to the big game, which is somethin' JT ain't never done. Now surely, he's a fine player and all … or at least was, and I do got lots of respect fer the job he did when he was here way back when ... not the last time, but the time before. But again, he ain't never brought us no Super Bowl, so I say it's time we went out and got us some youngin's what can. So don't get me wrong, I like JT. And, if he was brought in only to add some depth to the roster, well that's fine and dandy. Butt, I don't want to hear no foolishness 'bout his leadership skills, on account of he never lead us to no Super Bowl in the past. Last I looked, our 'sack attack' Cameron Wake was doin' just fine, and he certainly ain't no John Travolta.

Meanwhile, thar's another JT in the mix what it also a linebacker, and he's Jason Trusnick, what played with them 'take me to the Stinker Bowl' Cleveland Browns. I don't know what skill set he brings to the supper table, but as long as he can at least kick some butt on special teams, that thar is good. So far, his claim to fame was that we was traded from the Jets to the Browns as part of the Braylon Edwards deal, so that don't say much.

Ok, so a in all, it looks like our defense is lookin' good, like it did last year. Now our offense s got to follow suit … and when I say suit, I don't mean the 'birthday' suit! So here's what I know about what's goin' on on that side of the field: There's been a fair share of comin's and goin's. Wildcat RB Ronnie Brown has gone off to play for them birdies from Philly. I'm gonna miss him some. Last I seen we still got us Run Ricky Run Williams as a free agent, and we also picked up another Heisman Trophy winner RB, Reggie Bush! Yes, he's getting' on in years, but maybe a few swigs of some ole' Brett Favre's Geritol might do him some good. Also, to get him juiced up some, he can drive on over to Hallandale and pick him up some prune juice. Whether he's a still a threat in the backfield remains to be seen, but at least them opposin' defenses will either take “hey, look at that thar, that's Reggie Bush!” I also thinkin' that pairin' him up with our new second draft choice, Daniel Thomas, is a good deal. Teach that youngin some smarts. I say!

For the offensive line, I also hear we signed us tackle Marc Columbo from them Chicago Bears what is also getting' up there in years, but ain't the one what used to wear a white coat, asked lots of questions and what died a few weeks back, rest his soul. This Columbo was first round pick way back when, so I reckon he's gonna shore up the front line along with Mike Pouncey and Vernon Carey, what's goin' back to play guard.

Well, that's all I got fer y'all today regardin' them FINS. So I say "GO FINS!".

On the personal level and in Jugmonger country thar ain't much goin' on. My sweety deety, Jolene, has gone back to visit her folks up thar in Gulf Breeze, like what she does most summers. I sure do miss her though, but I don't blame her none. They got them a 'Golden Corral' up thar what's got some wonderful cafeteria style eatin'. They also got them a Zaxby's what's got some fantabulous chicken. By the way, t thar was a non-paid endorsement of them food establishments, but if any y'all work there, do the right thing and them owners to throw me a bone … or a rib … or even a wing! That would be nice, and I would thank you kindly fer doin' so.

Well that's it fer me folks! And now some words of wisdom: "Football is a game played with arms, legs and shoulders, but mostly from the neck up." Knute Rocknie said that, not me ... even though I just did as y'all can plainly see above.

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Holiday Fish Rot

Howdy Folks and Kin,

It's been a while since I wrote y'all. Not much has been happenin' in these parts, 'cept for them holidays and all. I got lost in a parkin' lot fer a spell, as well. Next year, I'll do my shoppin' early on account of the Piggly Wiggly is no place fer last minute shoppin'. In all my days, I never seen so many porkers in flip flops arguin' over a bag of beef jerky. I understand that times are hard fer some folks what don't got no pot to piss in, like me (hint, hint, send me your money right now!), but still them holidays are a time fer sharin' and the spirit of brotherhood. Maybe they got that brotherhood thing mixed up and thought it meant siblin' rivalry and such. I don't know. Lots a folks are confused these days - me, too!

Christmas was nice. I got me a shiny new guitar pick from my sweety deety, Jolene. She also gave me a kiss, so I guess I'm pretty fortunate. I gave her some new sexy bloomers what cousin Justine passed onto me ... what she was given fer her birthday last year by her special friend, Randy... what uh, likes to count his chickies before they is done hatchin' - know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Needless to say, Randy didn't get none and Cousin Justine dumped his sorry butt fer bein' presumptuous enough to give her that thar pair of them sexy bloomers. Cousin Justine got her scruples all in a duck row and she knows where she stands on them issues... and she just don't stand fer no one what wants to be issuin' nothin'! So, Jolene has got them bloomers now, compliments of me, and I'm sure they will be put to good use. Y'all can trust me on that!

FISH ROT

Hey, any of y'all know what the heck is goin' on with them Fins? Fer you yankees and loop de loops out thar in the west, that's the Miami Dolphins, see? Well, I reckon y'all know they sort of imploded again last year and ended up with another losin' record at 7 and 9 and no playoff berth. I been down in the dumps on account of this and haven't really been interested in followin' them playoffs none. Also I been workin' on my guitar and my chicken pickin' skills and puttin' that thar new pick what Jolene gave me, to good use. But, hope springs eternal when you are a life long fan of them Fins ... which I is!

Now I tell y'all what, I've been sittin' on the edge of my porch followin' all them news reports tryin' to figure out why our once proud team has got its butt hangin' out and flappin' in the wind fer all to see. I understand them management folks want to make some changes on account of if the team ain't gonna win no home games, thar ain't gonna be no butts in them stadium seats. Folks will just come to them tail gatin' parties and then go off and listen to the Mad Dog and Joe Rose on the radio ... or they will just head on out and over to Hooters or some other such sports bar where they got other things to look at during timeouts and what not. No doubt, some folks will just head back to their doublewides to sit in there in their fancy home theaters with surround sound audio, 3d goggles and 42 foot screens ... and which is only a short walk to the comforts of their own outhouses. Oh, and don't ferget, all the beer they can drink fer free! That thar is a much better idea than givin' your monthly salary away to sit in the nose bleed section where ya can't tell Bo Diddley from Diddley Squat and can't hear a dang thing 'cept fer Julio and Juliette what don't speak no English none and won't turn down that thar dang Radio Ritmo!


Ok so here are my thoughts on how to turn things around and what not (from the tell me somethin' I don't know files):

HOW TO GET'ER DONE!

1) QUARTERBACK
Get a new QB, and get one quick! They don't call Chad Henne "robot" for no good reason. That boy can't see the forest from the trees, and heck he can't even throw over own front line. He ain't got the confidence to get'er and he can't even run none when he needs to get goin'. This ain't computer programmin' folks. It takes brains, not artificial intelligence. We need us a QB what can think on his feet and not just follow orders.


Tyler Thigpen is a good back up but he ain't competitive enough. I reckon he can think and run better than Chad Henne, so y'all have to wonder why he didn't take a giant leap frog forward durin' the season. The truth is he just wasn't competitive enough in the offseason. I say they can keep Tyler, but they need to bring in a proven 1st stringer quality QB to get the job done. Maybe Kevin Kolb or Vince Young?  I don't know, but I do know that we don't need no more 2nd stringers and journeyman has beens and never was. The time fer this square dance is NOW, so let's get'er done!

2) HEAD COACH:
Now I like me that thar Coach Tony Sparano. I think he's got his head on straight and never stole no freight train. I think it's the players what just didn't get on and execute what it was they was learned to do. And I also reckon he trusted (or was given) the wrong offensive coaches. I think they need to give him more control over that thar personnel, too. Now, that bein' said, I believe them reports that he does that thar micro-managin' stuff, on account of you know that he's a stickler fer numbers and what not. So someone needs to tell him how to chill out and let them boys have some fun. That's right, he oughtsta have a few words or puffs of reefer with that thar Ricky Williams before he takes off fer free agency ... and then New York Jets!


I think that it was cryin' shame what Ross-Ireland-Peterson did to Tony this past week, by goin' out and lookin' fer a new coach while they still had him on the hangin' on the line. Well, them star struck 3 mouseketteers just fell short and ended up with egg nogg on their faces. Cowher wasn't gonna come to Miami unless he got 100% of what he wanted... meanin' that Ireland and Peterson would be out. So Peterson and Ireland ran a smokescreen on Ross and took him (and the media) all the ways out west to see Jim Harbough who's sittin' pretty high in the cotton right now... and was a wantin' to stay out on the west coast anyhow. This ain't rocket science folks. Ain't no one, except maybe Eric Mangini, would want to come and clean up them left over fish flakes and elephant pies on that thar orange carpet.


3) OFFENSIVE BRAIN TRUST
Get a new offensive coordinator, and get on quick! Dan Henning, what is older than Methuselah, needs to join Brett Favre on the Geritol circuit and just retire. He didn't get the job done none last year, nor the year before that, and that's that. Thar just ain't no more meat left on that thar bone. And while y'all are puttin' him out to pasture, y'all can send David Lee, that thar QBs coach with him as well. Y'all ever seen that movie Old Yeller? Well, then y'all know the endin' and what we need to do ... time fer a complete overhaul of the offensive brain trust. That's fer sure! Time to leave all of last year's offensive coaches out behind the barn.


4) OFFENSIVE LINE
Heck, this goes back to them Offensive Brain Trust. This here is them new coaches 1st priority. We need depth and we need to stop buildin' the whole offensive scheme around 1 or 2 better players. We need everyone to be better players - and yes players what can think on their feets. I reckon we had the same problem here we did with Chad Henne. Everyone followin' orders and not really seein' what's goin' on around them. Boys, if someone tells y'all to walk straight, y'all gots to use your eyes and brains to know not step in them potholes and dog droppin's along the way. Ya see? Lots a times last year them boys were just plain out thunk. Jake Long and Karlos Dansby were great, but they can't hold down the fort all by themselves.


5) OFFENSIVE BACK FIELD
Folks, we need us some new runnin' back. Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown are as good as gone with the wind due to free agency. I've loved them both dearly over the years, but it's time to move on. Let's get us that thar Mark Ingram and some other youngbloods and teach them right and which we is up. If we can wrangle a big proven name, so much the better. Whatever it takes, just get'er done! Gettin' a new QB will help lots here, too.

6) DUMP JEFF IRELAND (and Peterson, too!)
General Mangler Jeff Ireland has got to go. It's time we pull chain and hold our noses on this one. And, who the heck is this Carl Peterson anyway? Is he the new Tuna or Pope or what? I understand he's a friend of owner Steve Ross, but he's stirred up more problems than a hornet in an outhouse!


I tell you what, the two of them together are one can short of a six pack, and is only lookin' out fer themselves. Now, I reckon it was Ireland what wanted to throw Sparano under the train on account of he figures: (a) it's easy to blame the coach when things gone sour. Truth is that Coach Sparano has had to make the best of the talent he was supplied with... such as Chad Henne and them other what nots. (b) Ross is chummy with Peterson and Ireland has a connection with Ireland - so now that the TUNA has swum out to sea, I reckon Ireland is just coverin' his ass and protectin' his job, rather than puttin' the team's needs first.


Ireland has already brought some shame to this here team when he asked that thar draft prospect last year whether his mama was a ... well I'm gonna be politically correct, folks, by sayin' sex worker ... and not a whore. His mouth has clearly overloaded his butt and now he's gone and tried to whack Tony Sparano. If y'all ask me, we don't need his way of doin' business. It's ugly. He must have fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. That boy is so stuck up, he’d drown in a rainstorm. It's also clear that the TUNA was the brains behind his position and that without him, Ireland's ain’t got the good sense God promised a billy goat on a good day. So I say turn him loose and let Sparano manage his own personnel. And that's all I have to say about that!

7) ROLL UP THAT ORANGE CARPET and TEAR DOWN THEM SKY BOXES

Folks, let be honest. Even since movin' into that blasted stadium, our teams have been more lost than a flea in a shag rug. 75,000 seats and y'all can hear a pin drop. With such a big stadium it just ain't possible to get any kind of noise and hometown support goin' fer the boys on the field. First time I was in that thar stadium I started one of them WAVES ... and folk's it ended before my arms were even raised above my head!

That old Orange Bowl what was torn down was great. Them players could hear them fans and get all excited on account of everyone was so close to each other and close to the field. Heck, you could cut the cheese in them nose bleed seats and them folks on the sidelines would shout "hey! did that come out of you?!"

I tell y'all what else, that thar Sun Life Stadium has got an identity crisis. How many names has it had over the years? Joe Robbie Stadium, Pro Player Stadium, Dolphins Stadium, Land Shark Stadium, Sun Life Stadium. No wonder our teams play so poorly there; they must be nervous they is playin' in the wrong stadium! Heck, fer some weeks they even got a baseball diamond on the field, and I'm sure that really confuses them players a bunch.

Now we also got us an Orange Carpet what them botox celebrity hoo ha's walk down and a night club fer them 5000 folks what pay through the nose to sip expensive French hooch and eat ritzy seafood what stanks as bad as some of our players play. That ain't what football is about Mr. Ross. If you want the other 70,000 seats filled with butts, you best be passin' around some free beer, beef jerky, nachos, chips, hot wings and, ok, some churros fer all them young Julios and Julliettes. And, don't ferget some of that thar mary jane fer them other rasta folks. So Mr Ross, TEAR DOWN THEM SKY BOXES!

I tell you what else, we don't need no Jennifer Lopez walkin' down no Orange Carpet neither. We need her to be down there with them other 70,000 fans, mixin' it up with them regular folks what want to look at her butt some. In fact, we should send all them cheerleaders up into the stands and let them do their thing. I ain't sayin' they need to do no lap dancin' or anything, but it would be a whole lot better to see them up close and all. Now, THAT's how you can get folks to fill them seats, Mr. Ross.

8) BRING BACK OUR FIGHT SONG!

Lastly, stop messin' with our fight song! It served us well durin' the perfect season. We don't need no new rap crap hip hop diddle by no T-Pain In The Butt what no one can understand them words. And you can tell Jimmy Buffet, what currently lives them Hamptons in Long Island, New York, that we don't need his song neither. Fin's to the left, fins, to the right ... take your Yankee fins and stick them up your butt. Y'all can have a Pabst Blue Ribbon on me ... not that cracker jack watered down lager swill what' you is tryin' to pass off as real beer... and what you stole it's name from Chevy Chase. Landshark? Sounds likes somethin' what been rottin' on the beach fer too long. 

Folks, it seems them folks manglin' our football team don't know nothin' 'bout no football. Our football team needs stability so that we can get back to the business of winnin' by supportin' our head coach Tony Sparano and givin' him the staff and players to get'er done - instead of stabbin' him in the back and all us fans, too! We don't need no fancy sky boxes with perrier in them toilets. We don't need orange carpets with celebrities what don't even come to watch the game. We need real players what can play and we need lots and lots of junkfood and freebies, too! Starbucks delivery would be also nice, if y'all can arrange it. I'd be much obliged if y'all did.

Now I surely hope that my suggestions are put to good use ... and that in time I am fairly compensated fer my ideas. Y'all can use the "donate" button over thar on the side to get it done. I thank you in advance.

Let's Get'er Done In The Off Season, Folks! GO FINS!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger
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PS. Here is some FINS stuff I recommend fer y'all to have. I recommend the beer mug mnyself!