NFL Owners Need To Own Up To The Fans!

Howdy Folks and Kin,

I tell y'all what, I'm just pullin' my hairs out about this here situation with the NFL labor dispute. It's bad enough the NFL season's ended and we ain't go no games to watch. But addin' insult to injuries is the fact that we may not get us no more football fer awhile on account of them players and owners are still squabblin' 'bout what do with money what they ain't even earned yet, but got their sights on anyway.

Now if y'all are like me, then I reckon y'all are probably as angry as a bear what got its head stuck in an outhouse hole. Y'all know what I'm talkin' 'bout here, folks. Both them owners and players, what got a heck of a lot more than just a fancy pot to piss in, are lookin' out fer their own interests - and what they is interested in is not us fans or our game day experience.

Both sides got their demands on how to slice up that thar 'green' apple pie, and they is doin' their best to tell the other side to go and argue with a fencepost. In the mean time, until they get what they want, they is holdin' next season's games hostage and rufflin' the feathers of good fans. It's a cryin' shame and an insult to the glory of the game ... and the gridiron, too!

If y'all ask me, I'd say it's them owners, what have done gone and got Yankee rich over the years, that oughtsta be tar and feathered fer carryin' on the way they do. None of them seem to have the good sense God promised a billy goat on a good day! They done and grown their business so much, they is a wantin' more cash just to keep their Titanics from sinkin'... and when I say Titanics, I mean them new stadiums... not their teams.

That's right. The way I see it is that this here is all about them owners wantin' to build them some bigger stadiums. I just don't see why? I heard of lots of teams what can't even fill the ones they already got! Heck, if them Dolphins' Sun Life Stadium was any quieter on game day, I could swear y'all could hear a corndog drop. 

And, y'all can bet your flask that whenever them owners get them an itch to build a new stadium, they is a gonna ask them revenuers for some of our tax money, anyway! And, fer what? So that they can charge regular folks more money fer lousy seats and higher priced junk to eat, while a few rich 'pop-tarts', 'gangstas' and revenuers can ignore the game from their fancy 'highfalutin' sky boxes ... complete with indoor plumbin'! So I just don't see the point in what them owners want ... and to be honest, I'm sure most of y'all don't neither.

Now, it ain't no secret that I like cash. I reckon we all do! The problem with them owners is that they love our cash a bit too much and want to be usin' it instead of their own. So, it ain't got no nothin' to do with them not makin' no money in the traditional sense. Anyways, bigger stadiums don't make fer no better teams, it only makes fer more blackouts on the TV. It also makes fer some other problems like monster parkin' lots I tend to get lost in.

Most folks I know what don't even put more than $5 of gas in their jalopies at a time, will run out of gas before they even find their parkin' spaces to get geared up fer their tailgatin' party. Y'all know what else? On a hot day in Florida, even when y'all get to your parkin' space, y'all will need 2 pairs of flip-flops to make it to the stadium as you try to cross them blasted paved asphalt deserts. Trust me, that thar first pair is a gonna melt down faster than a peanut butter and nanner' sandwich in a fryin' pan.

Another problem with them bigger stadiums has got to do with the environment. Askin' a 100,000 fans to drive to the stadium means an increase of greenhouse gases. That thar is a lot of carbon dioxide! That's right, and I ain't even talkin' 'bout the increase of methane, too! Y'all can blame them cows all y'all want, but you and I both know the truth! Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

In a logical world, smaller stadiums means more butts on them seats and more support fer the home team. Heck, it don't take a rocket scientist to know that when them Miami Dolphins done achieved that thar perfect season in '72, the 12th man on the field was them fans in the old Orange Bowl with their white hankies a wavin' proudly. Of course, the 13th, 14th and some other men were probably still standin' on line to the outhouse -but that thar is another story.

I don't understand a few things. Them owners keep sayin' they is losin' their shirts in the NFL business ... but they don't want to open their bank books up and prove it to them players what are wearin' more gold and silver than most countries need to balance their budgets with. What I do know, however, is that them owners get them TV Networks to pay them a zillion dollars fer the rights to broadcast them local NFL games ... and then they threaten us local fans with TV blackouts if enough of us don't come to fork over our paycheck to come to them home games.

Folks, ain't y'all sick of tired of them rich types tryin' to ask fer our more money just so that they can grow more of their own? Ain't y'all sick of them revenuers kissin' the butts of them stadium owners instead of the folks what voted them into public office? I say the time is now to send a message to them NFL owners that we fans are sick and tired of it all... and if things keep up, well then, there's a gonna be a revolution ... even if it means watchin' them UFL games!

I know it's the off-season anyway. but I tell y'all what, in all my born days I was never so hungry fer NFL football that I'm startin' to fart cobwebs! Y'all heard me right! I keep hearin' 'bout some collective bargainin' agreement (CBA) or somethin' or another what needs to be worked out. So come on down from that cotton y'all are sittin' might high in and 'get'er done! It's the least y'all can do fer us fans. 

All the best, 

- Judd Jugmonger

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While we all wait fer the next CBA deadline to get postponed, here's some good readin' I recommend them owners read, too:


       

     

 

Super Bowl XLV - Judd Prognosticates The Winner

Howdy Folks and Kin,

I ain't been around too much on account of I've been busy with some "production" projects, been and what not. Heck, I can be honest with y'all I done got myself lost in parkin' lot again, on an occasion or two. I've also been on a diet, but that's another story! Anyway, Super Bowl Sunday is upon is us once again. I keep gettin' email's from some of y'all what want to know what team I think is a gonna win the Pabst Blue Ribbon this time around. So I thought, fer all y'all what want to bet against me, I'd oblige with my picks.

Ok, unless any of y'all Cheese Heads or Steeler Nation types have come back from the Moon, y'all know it's them Green Bay Packers (10-6) vs. them Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4). Folks, this ain't gonna be no stinker bowl, and even the loser won't be drivin' the short bus home from the stadium. Both these teams are as tough as whit leather. They will both play hard and will be busier than a one legged man in a butt kickin' contest tryin' to win that thar Super Bowl ring.

Now, some folks say this game is all about QBs Aaron Rodger (Greenbay) vs. Ben Roethlisberger (Pittsburgh). That's right, it's ain't about QBs Bart Starr (Green Bay) nor Terry Bradshaw (Pittsburgh). It also ain't about them old but great Dolphins' QB Dan Marino, what was born in Pittsburgh.

I reckon that if this game is to be won on offense, then here's the match up y'all been snortin' about:

Aaron Rodgers (312-475, 3922 yds, 28 tds)

What can be said about Aaron Rodgers that ain't been said before? He's been walkin' tall and steppin' out that thar long shadow what that ole' Geritol swigger, Brett Favre, left behind. So I tell y'all what, I say it's time fer that there youngin' Aaron Rodgers to take one more giant step and do what like Johnny Walker says:  "just keep on walkin'! This youngin' was voted the FedEx Air NFL Player of the Year - and y'all all know it wasn't fer deliverin' pizzas or moonshine.

Ben Roethlisberger (240-389, 3200 yds, 17 tds)

If y'all do it on the papers, I'd say Aaron Rodgers is the better QB. But then there's one things them statistics don't reflect: toughness. That thar gunslinger, Ben Roethlisberger is one tough oak barrel. So I prognosticate that if this game gets physical, he'll be able to take a few more hits than Rodgers. Heck,  even when he does get hit, he keeps that thar pigskin in action .. so that his Speedy Gonzales receivers can get open again. Yes sir, he keeps them pass defenders as busy as a cat coverin' his what not on a marble floor. Now, that's what they call his "play extendin' experience" - and that thar is an important consideration, if y'all are a wantin' to win a Super Bowl.He won't throw in that thar "Terrible Towel" for no reason.

Now, winnin' Superbowls is somethin' Roethlisberger knows about. He' a gunnin' for his 3rd, despite a year what started out with him missin' 4 games on account of he's no gentleman (translation: sexual assault allegations and what not). To achieve that, a QB need a wild streak, and Roethlisberger's got one a mile and yard long. He's as wild as a peach orchard hog and crazier than a run over dog... but he still ain't no gentleman, like yours truly. Y'all can go ahead and ask my sweety deety, Jolene, to vouch fer me on that one! 

Now don't get me wrong, I think that thar Roethlisberger is one heck of quarterback. He reminds me them old greats like John Elway, Kenny Stabler and Jim Plunkett. He also reminds me of myself, on account of, accordin' to reports from TMZ.com, he can drink beer and sing, too! I think QB Terry Bradshaw, what's now a butt bearin' bona fide movie star, could do that, too. So Ben is sittin' in some pretty high cotton thar. By the way, I ain't heard of "the Velvet Elvis" where Ben does his act - but anyplace named after "the King" is fine by me. Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

Gettin' Defensive

Them Steelers' got them one good defense. I don't know if it's as good as that thar Steel Curtain of the 70s what came before them. But I tell y'all what, I wouldn't want run head first into them boys ... and that's just what Aaron Rodgers is a gonna have to do! Now them Green Bay boys, well, they got themselves a mighty fine defense, too. They also got them that thar pro-bowler linebacker, Clay Mathews. Still, them Steelers got them strong safety and NFL Defensive Player of the Year, Troy Polamalu. Now. both these player are play makers, but at the end of the day, if Aaron Rodgers is pressured and hurried and all squirrely like from takin' one too many hits ... well he might just throw Troy a pick 6. And, y'all know that Polamalu knows which way the end-zone is. Don't be surprised if this game is won by some defensive scores. 

The Bottom Line: 

When I was a youngin' I admired them Packers on account of Bart Starr and Vince Lombardi. Also, I like the color green, on account of it reminds me of cash. So the bottom line folks is .... well, heck, I'd love to go with my heart and say "go with them Packers", but I'm gonna have to follow my guts and say "go with them Steelers". Their defense is as tough as Brazil nuts, their receivers can run faster than green grass goin' through a goose, and their QB is as slick as owl droppin' on a July mornin'! That's right and don't y'all know it!

Other reasons them Steelers oughtsta win:

- Them Steelers in General Lee (I mean "generally") have got them more Super Bowl experience on their staff than them Packers. It's a fact. Check them numbers.

- The Steelers have a long tradition of winnin' the big game. Them Packers won the first Super Bowl ever. That's it. Even my Miami Dolphins have won 2.

- Dolphins QB, Dan Marino, was born in Pittsburgh. That's enough said on that one.

- Heck, my Miami Dolphins beat them Packers 23-20 earlier this season! Go Fins! 

Ok, so that thar is my pick. Now I want to remind y'all if that whether y'all bet with me or against me and win big, y'all need to remember who gave you this here pick! So, use the link on the right and do right by me. And, tell all your friends and kin that Judd Jugmonger says to do the same! Happy Tail Gatin' Y'all!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

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Here's some good readin' related to this here game:

         

Holiday Fish Rot

Howdy Folks and Kin,

It's been a while since I wrote y'all. Not much has been happenin' in these parts, 'cept for them holidays and all. I got lost in a parkin' lot fer a spell, as well. Next year, I'll do my shoppin' early on account of the Piggly Wiggly is no place fer last minute shoppin'. In all my days, I never seen so many porkers in flip flops arguin' over a bag of beef jerky. I understand that times are hard fer some folks what don't got no pot to piss in, like me (hint, hint, send me your money right now!), but still them holidays are a time fer sharin' and the spirit of brotherhood. Maybe they got that brotherhood thing mixed up and thought it meant siblin' rivalry and such. I don't know. Lots a folks are confused these days - me, too!

Christmas was nice. I got me a shiny new guitar pick from my sweety deety, Jolene. She also gave me a kiss, so I guess I'm pretty fortunate. I gave her some new sexy bloomers what cousin Justine passed onto me ... what she was given fer her birthday last year by her special friend, Randy... what uh, likes to count his chickies before they is done hatchin' - know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Needless to say, Randy didn't get none and Cousin Justine dumped his sorry butt fer bein' presumptuous enough to give her that thar pair of them sexy bloomers. Cousin Justine got her scruples all in a duck row and she knows where she stands on them issues... and she just don't stand fer no one what wants to be issuin' nothin'! So, Jolene has got them bloomers now, compliments of me, and I'm sure they will be put to good use. Y'all can trust me on that!

FISH ROT

Hey, any of y'all know what the heck is goin' on with them Fins? Fer you yankees and loop de loops out thar in the west, that's the Miami Dolphins, see? Well, I reckon y'all know they sort of imploded again last year and ended up with another losin' record at 7 and 9 and no playoff berth. I been down in the dumps on account of this and haven't really been interested in followin' them playoffs none. Also I been workin' on my guitar and my chicken pickin' skills and puttin' that thar new pick what Jolene gave me, to good use. But, hope springs eternal when you are a life long fan of them Fins ... which I is!

Now I tell y'all what, I've been sittin' on the edge of my porch followin' all them news reports tryin' to figure out why our once proud team has got its butt hangin' out and flappin' in the wind fer all to see. I understand them management folks want to make some changes on account of if the team ain't gonna win no home games, thar ain't gonna be no butts in them stadium seats. Folks will just come to them tail gatin' parties and then go off and listen to the Mad Dog and Joe Rose on the radio ... or they will just head on out and over to Hooters or some other such sports bar where they got other things to look at during timeouts and what not. No doubt, some folks will just head back to their doublewides to sit in there in their fancy home theaters with surround sound audio, 3d goggles and 42 foot screens ... and which is only a short walk to the comforts of their own outhouses. Oh, and don't ferget, all the beer they can drink fer free! That thar is a much better idea than givin' your monthly salary away to sit in the nose bleed section where ya can't tell Bo Diddley from Diddley Squat and can't hear a dang thing 'cept fer Julio and Juliette what don't speak no English none and won't turn down that thar dang Radio Ritmo!


Ok so here are my thoughts on how to turn things around and what not (from the tell me somethin' I don't know files):

HOW TO GET'ER DONE!

1) QUARTERBACK
Get a new QB, and get one quick! They don't call Chad Henne "robot" for no good reason. That boy can't see the forest from the trees, and heck he can't even throw over own front line. He ain't got the confidence to get'er and he can't even run none when he needs to get goin'. This ain't computer programmin' folks. It takes brains, not artificial intelligence. We need us a QB what can think on his feet and not just follow orders.


Tyler Thigpen is a good back up but he ain't competitive enough. I reckon he can think and run better than Chad Henne, so y'all have to wonder why he didn't take a giant leap frog forward durin' the season. The truth is he just wasn't competitive enough in the offseason. I say they can keep Tyler, but they need to bring in a proven 1st stringer quality QB to get the job done. Maybe Kevin Kolb or Vince Young?  I don't know, but I do know that we don't need no more 2nd stringers and journeyman has beens and never was. The time fer this square dance is NOW, so let's get'er done!

2) HEAD COACH:
Now I like me that thar Coach Tony Sparano. I think he's got his head on straight and never stole no freight train. I think it's the players what just didn't get on and execute what it was they was learned to do. And I also reckon he trusted (or was given) the wrong offensive coaches. I think they need to give him more control over that thar personnel, too. Now, that bein' said, I believe them reports that he does that thar micro-managin' stuff, on account of you know that he's a stickler fer numbers and what not. So someone needs to tell him how to chill out and let them boys have some fun. That's right, he oughtsta have a few words or puffs of reefer with that thar Ricky Williams before he takes off fer free agency ... and then New York Jets!


I think that it was cryin' shame what Ross-Ireland-Peterson did to Tony this past week, by goin' out and lookin' fer a new coach while they still had him on the hangin' on the line. Well, them star struck 3 mouseketteers just fell short and ended up with egg nogg on their faces. Cowher wasn't gonna come to Miami unless he got 100% of what he wanted... meanin' that Ireland and Peterson would be out. So Peterson and Ireland ran a smokescreen on Ross and took him (and the media) all the ways out west to see Jim Harbough who's sittin' pretty high in the cotton right now... and was a wantin' to stay out on the west coast anyhow. This ain't rocket science folks. Ain't no one, except maybe Eric Mangini, would want to come and clean up them left over fish flakes and elephant pies on that thar orange carpet.


3) OFFENSIVE BRAIN TRUST
Get a new offensive coordinator, and get on quick! Dan Henning, what is older than Methuselah, needs to join Brett Favre on the Geritol circuit and just retire. He didn't get the job done none last year, nor the year before that, and that's that. Thar just ain't no more meat left on that thar bone. And while y'all are puttin' him out to pasture, y'all can send David Lee, that thar QBs coach with him as well. Y'all ever seen that movie Old Yeller? Well, then y'all know the endin' and what we need to do ... time fer a complete overhaul of the offensive brain trust. That's fer sure! Time to leave all of last year's offensive coaches out behind the barn.


4) OFFENSIVE LINE
Heck, this goes back to them Offensive Brain Trust. This here is them new coaches 1st priority. We need depth and we need to stop buildin' the whole offensive scheme around 1 or 2 better players. We need everyone to be better players - and yes players what can think on their feets. I reckon we had the same problem here we did with Chad Henne. Everyone followin' orders and not really seein' what's goin' on around them. Boys, if someone tells y'all to walk straight, y'all gots to use your eyes and brains to know not step in them potholes and dog droppin's along the way. Ya see? Lots a times last year them boys were just plain out thunk. Jake Long and Karlos Dansby were great, but they can't hold down the fort all by themselves.


5) OFFENSIVE BACK FIELD
Folks, we need us some new runnin' back. Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown are as good as gone with the wind due to free agency. I've loved them both dearly over the years, but it's time to move on. Let's get us that thar Mark Ingram and some other youngbloods and teach them right and which we is up. If we can wrangle a big proven name, so much the better. Whatever it takes, just get'er done! Gettin' a new QB will help lots here, too.

6) DUMP JEFF IRELAND (and Peterson, too!)
General Mangler Jeff Ireland has got to go. It's time we pull chain and hold our noses on this one. And, who the heck is this Carl Peterson anyway? Is he the new Tuna or Pope or what? I understand he's a friend of owner Steve Ross, but he's stirred up more problems than a hornet in an outhouse!


I tell you what, the two of them together are one can short of a six pack, and is only lookin' out fer themselves. Now, I reckon it was Ireland what wanted to throw Sparano under the train on account of he figures: (a) it's easy to blame the coach when things gone sour. Truth is that Coach Sparano has had to make the best of the talent he was supplied with... such as Chad Henne and them other what nots. (b) Ross is chummy with Peterson and Ireland has a connection with Ireland - so now that the TUNA has swum out to sea, I reckon Ireland is just coverin' his ass and protectin' his job, rather than puttin' the team's needs first.


Ireland has already brought some shame to this here team when he asked that thar draft prospect last year whether his mama was a ... well I'm gonna be politically correct, folks, by sayin' sex worker ... and not a whore. His mouth has clearly overloaded his butt and now he's gone and tried to whack Tony Sparano. If y'all ask me, we don't need his way of doin' business. It's ugly. He must have fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. That boy is so stuck up, he’d drown in a rainstorm. It's also clear that the TUNA was the brains behind his position and that without him, Ireland's ain’t got the good sense God promised a billy goat on a good day. So I say turn him loose and let Sparano manage his own personnel. And that's all I have to say about that!

7) ROLL UP THAT ORANGE CARPET and TEAR DOWN THEM SKY BOXES

Folks, let be honest. Even since movin' into that blasted stadium, our teams have been more lost than a flea in a shag rug. 75,000 seats and y'all can hear a pin drop. With such a big stadium it just ain't possible to get any kind of noise and hometown support goin' fer the boys on the field. First time I was in that thar stadium I started one of them WAVES ... and folk's it ended before my arms were even raised above my head!

That old Orange Bowl what was torn down was great. Them players could hear them fans and get all excited on account of everyone was so close to each other and close to the field. Heck, you could cut the cheese in them nose bleed seats and them folks on the sidelines would shout "hey! did that come out of you?!"

I tell y'all what else, that thar Sun Life Stadium has got an identity crisis. How many names has it had over the years? Joe Robbie Stadium, Pro Player Stadium, Dolphins Stadium, Land Shark Stadium, Sun Life Stadium. No wonder our teams play so poorly there; they must be nervous they is playin' in the wrong stadium! Heck, fer some weeks they even got a baseball diamond on the field, and I'm sure that really confuses them players a bunch.

Now we also got us an Orange Carpet what them botox celebrity hoo ha's walk down and a night club fer them 5000 folks what pay through the nose to sip expensive French hooch and eat ritzy seafood what stanks as bad as some of our players play. That ain't what football is about Mr. Ross. If you want the other 70,000 seats filled with butts, you best be passin' around some free beer, beef jerky, nachos, chips, hot wings and, ok, some churros fer all them young Julios and Julliettes. And, don't ferget some of that thar mary jane fer them other rasta folks. So Mr Ross, TEAR DOWN THEM SKY BOXES!

I tell you what else, we don't need no Jennifer Lopez walkin' down no Orange Carpet neither. We need her to be down there with them other 70,000 fans, mixin' it up with them regular folks what want to look at her butt some. In fact, we should send all them cheerleaders up into the stands and let them do their thing. I ain't sayin' they need to do no lap dancin' or anything, but it would be a whole lot better to see them up close and all. Now, THAT's how you can get folks to fill them seats, Mr. Ross.

8) BRING BACK OUR FIGHT SONG!

Lastly, stop messin' with our fight song! It served us well durin' the perfect season. We don't need no new rap crap hip hop diddle by no T-Pain In The Butt what no one can understand them words. And you can tell Jimmy Buffet, what currently lives them Hamptons in Long Island, New York, that we don't need his song neither. Fin's to the left, fins, to the right ... take your Yankee fins and stick them up your butt. Y'all can have a Pabst Blue Ribbon on me ... not that cracker jack watered down lager swill what' you is tryin' to pass off as real beer... and what you stole it's name from Chevy Chase. Landshark? Sounds likes somethin' what been rottin' on the beach fer too long. 

Folks, it seems them folks manglin' our football team don't know nothin' 'bout no football. Our football team needs stability so that we can get back to the business of winnin' by supportin' our head coach Tony Sparano and givin' him the staff and players to get'er done - instead of stabbin' him in the back and all us fans, too! We don't need no fancy sky boxes with perrier in them toilets. We don't need orange carpets with celebrities what don't even come to watch the game. We need real players what can play and we need lots and lots of junkfood and freebies, too! Starbucks delivery would be also nice, if y'all can arrange it. I'd be much obliged if y'all did.

Now I surely hope that my suggestions are put to good use ... and that in time I am fairly compensated fer my ideas. Y'all can use the "donate" button over thar on the side to get it done. I thank you in advance.

Let's Get'er Done In The Off Season, Folks! GO FINS!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger
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PS. Here is some FINS stuff I recommend fer y'all to have. I recommend the beer mug mnyself!