Pigskin And Fish Fiesta: Preseason Dolphins Report

Howdy Folks And Kin!

Well Hallelujah! NFL football is back, and so am I! That's right, I'm rarin' to go with my picks fer the regular season, which y'all can read about right here weekly on this. Meanwhile, until the regular season of up and runnin' I'm gonna be nice enough to give y'all some Miami Dolphins updates because that's what gets my 'ya-yas' goin'!

Ok, it's been a long off season, what with the NFL lockout and all, and I'll be honest with y'all there were times when I wasn't so sure there was gonna be any gridiron play at all! But bless my pigskin and butter my biscuit, if we don't we got us a season starin' us in the face, and even some pre-season games to boot! So I'm happier than a skinny tick on a fat hound these days!

Now as most of y'all know, I am a lifelong Dolfan, goin' way back to even before that thar Perfect Season, glory be! It's been a long long Superbowl-less drought for us fans what want to see our Fins winnin' the big game and that thar Pabst Blue Ribbon, to boot! Each season, we put our hopes up on high, but by the end of the season, them hopes are doin' the Baton Death March. But, here we go again, gluttons fer punishment I think, and what sours my mash is that we still ain't got us no 'franchise' quarterback!

Now over the last week, there's been lots of 'this n' that' goin' round 'bout our quarterback situation … again. There was lots of talk over the lockout 'bout us signin' folks like Vince Young, Carson Palmer, Kyle Orton, or even Marc Bulger. Heck, I even heard some folks down at the Katy Wonkered Cafe' sayin' we should gt us Brett "Geritol" Favre!

Chad Henne

Now even a one-eyed newt can see that them Fins, and this includes yours truly, don't want no part of no QB Chad Henne. Nevertheless, here we are once again for the second year in a row starting the pre-season with Henne (not Penny) penciled in as the starter on top of the depth roster. We also keep hearin' owner Stephen 'Orange Carpet' Ross talkin' 'bout how much confidence he has in Chad, and how much respect he's got for general mangler Jeff Ireland, what can't play QB neither.

For a few days, it seemed liked we was a gonna git Orton, but as of now that ain't a done deal. It seems like some folks in them Fin's organization just can't get'er done. That's right, looks like Ireland is too busy playin' chicken with them Denver Bronco's management., or thinkin' about how he let former 'Fins QB lookin' to be new Redskins startin' QB John Beck' go. Anyway y'all shake and bake it, we end up with the same fer now; once again, we the fans are denied of our high hopes for a Super Bowl win this season.

Now as I said I understand that the Orton deal ain't toes up yet, but if ya ask me, I think that thar saucer has been washed, blown, dried and put away in the pantry. Meanwhile, it's been 'Hello Kitty', look what the cat done dragged in. Ireland has gone and signed QB Matt Moore, what was a back up them Carolina Panthers. Of course the question is 'why' and the answer, as always is to provide some competition fer Chad Henne. Folks, I say if it looks like a third stringer, acts like a third stringer, and quacks like a third stringer, it ain't no startin' quarterback. So, I don't rightly know what the Fins management is thinkin'.

Newsflash: Hold on to your drawers, folks, I just heard on the news that Chad Henne got booed today at the practice scrimmage. In fact, not only did he get booed, but some ornery folks were callin' fer Kyle Orton! Now I ain't gonna say that them fans is always right, but in this case I think this here is a no brainer. Thar ain't no need to get all emotional about this folks, because the way I see it this here is a numbers games. And, well, that's the problem. This Chad is hangin' in the wind on account of he keeps hittin' opposin' defenses in the numbers!

Now yesterday, cousin Justin asked me what I thought of Kyle Orton. I told him that I got me a good feelin' 'bout this feller and I surely would like to see him suit up as a Dolphin against them Patriots in the opening games. I don't think he's the second comin' of Dan Marino none, but I sure think he's got a few more notches up the experience belt than Chad Henne does. I also think he's got more smarts to get the job done. And, if we got u a good offensive line, which it lookin' more and more like we will, and some playmakers what can stretch the field, then we got us a chance.

Speakin' of stretchin', own own WR diva Brandon Marshall has been stretchin' his jaws again. Looks like he wants to be the poster boy fer bi-polar disorder … which by the way ain't got nothin' to do with where he wants to put his 'what not'. Of course, even if it did, that thar would be his own business, as long as he get it's done in the field where his mind, hands, and legs should be at ... and other body parts, too. Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

The other big news in Dolphins camp these days is the return of Jason Taylor. Now I'll tell y'all what, I know that there's lots of fans what like that thar JT, and are as happy as pigs in a blanket that he's a comin' back. Butt folks, I'll be honest in tellin' y'all that re-signin' that twinkie toes just don't sit right by me, and here's why: You see, I reckon that bringing JT and his dancin' shoes back is just a marketin' ploy by Mr. Orange Carpet himself, Stephen Ross. Sure, it's a popular move with them fans what would like to see JT retire a Miami Dolphin. Well folks, it seems to me that lots of fans ain't got their priorities screwed on straight!

What we need is players what will help us win, AND get us to the big game, which is somethin' JT ain't never done. Now surely, he's a fine player and all … or at least was, and I do got lots of respect fer the job he did when he was here way back when ... not the last time, but the time before. But again, he ain't never brought us no Super Bowl, so I say it's time we went out and got us some youngin's what can. So don't get me wrong, I like JT. And, if he was brought in only to add some depth to the roster, well that's fine and dandy. Butt, I don't want to hear no foolishness 'bout his leadership skills, on account of he never lead us to no Super Bowl in the past. Last I looked, our 'sack attack' Cameron Wake was doin' just fine, and he certainly ain't no John Travolta.

Meanwhile, thar's another JT in the mix what it also a linebacker, and he's Jason Trusnick, what played with them 'take me to the Stinker Bowl' Cleveland Browns. I don't know what skill set he brings to the supper table, but as long as he can at least kick some butt on special teams, that thar is good. So far, his claim to fame was that we was traded from the Jets to the Browns as part of the Braylon Edwards deal, so that don't say much.

Ok, so a in all, it looks like our defense is lookin' good, like it did last year. Now our offense s got to follow suit … and when I say suit, I don't mean the 'birthday' suit! So here's what I know about what's goin' on on that side of the field: There's been a fair share of comin's and goin's. Wildcat RB Ronnie Brown has gone off to play for them birdies from Philly. I'm gonna miss him some. Last I seen we still got us Run Ricky Run Williams as a free agent, and we also picked up another Heisman Trophy winner RB, Reggie Bush! Yes, he's getting' on in years, but maybe a few swigs of some ole' Brett Favre's Geritol might do him some good. Also, to get him juiced up some, he can drive on over to Hallandale and pick him up some prune juice. Whether he's a still a threat in the backfield remains to be seen, but at least them opposin' defenses will either take “hey, look at that thar, that's Reggie Bush!” I also thinkin' that pairin' him up with our new second draft choice, Daniel Thomas, is a good deal. Teach that youngin some smarts. I say!

For the offensive line, I also hear we signed us tackle Marc Columbo from them Chicago Bears what is also getting' up there in years, but ain't the one what used to wear a white coat, asked lots of questions and what died a few weeks back, rest his soul. This Columbo was first round pick way back when, so I reckon he's gonna shore up the front line along with Mike Pouncey and Vernon Carey, what's goin' back to play guard.

Well, that's all I got fer y'all today regardin' them FINS. So I say "GO FINS!".

On the personal level and in Jugmonger country thar ain't much goin' on. My sweety deety, Jolene, has gone back to visit her folks up thar in Gulf Breeze, like what she does most summers. I sure do miss her though, but I don't blame her none. They got them a 'Golden Corral' up thar what's got some wonderful cafeteria style eatin'. They also got them a Zaxby's what's got some fantabulous chicken. By the way, t thar was a non-paid endorsement of them food establishments, but if any y'all work there, do the right thing and them owners to throw me a bone … or a rib … or even a wing! That would be nice, and I would thank you kindly fer doin' so.

Well that's it fer me folks! And now some words of wisdom: "Football is a game played with arms, legs and shoulders, but mostly from the neck up." Knute Rocknie said that, not me ... even though I just did as y'all can plainly see above.

----------------------------
Miami Dolphins Gear! Get It Here!

NFL News and Tropical Storm Update

Howdy Folks!

Summer's here and as usual in these parts it's hot!  Now, I tell y'all what, I'm like the rest of you what have been keepin' your eyes out fer some real NFL football news or fer some tropical storm action in the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico. I got my duct tape rarin' to go and I suspect y'all have done the same. But so far, we ain't heard squat about no NFL and no 'canes! And, since most folks are doin' the best they can to get on with life I thought I'd make things easy by postin' the followin' news update to help y'all out. Y'all can thank you me later. Ok, here goes:

Official Jugmongers' Tropical Storm Weather update:

- TROPICAL CYCLONE FORMATION IS NOT EXPECTED DURING THE NEXT 48 HOURS.

Official Jugmongers' NFL  Update:

- NFL FORMATION IS NOT EXPECTED DURING THE NEXT 48 HOURS.

Alright, fer all you all pollyanna's out thar what are hopeful, y'all can check back on this page as many times as you like. Keep clickin' "Refresh" on your menu above  and eventually somethin' will come to pass, as it says in the 'Good Book'. I'm sure of it on account of there's more money to be made fer them owners and players doin' what they is supposed to be doin' than what there is to be lost by not doin' what it is they is supposed to be doin'! Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

Meanwhile, addin' insult to injury I heard some rumors that them NFL folks are thinkin' about puttin' on an 8 game season! A gosh dang !!$#@$% 8 GAME SEASON! And, they is talkin' 'bout not startin' til November! What the heck is wrong with these people? Ain't we skint enough? If that's the best them NFL folks what are sittin' in some pretty high cotton can offer us poor fans, then I say, "Mr Commisioner, my cow up and died on me, so I don't need you bull!"

Fer the life of me, I just can't wrap my noggin' 'round this one folks. What the heck do they need 5-weeks fer free-agency fer? It takes about 5 minutes flat for me and some of my kin to choose sides fer a pick up game of football? I choose you, you choose him and let's get on with the game. Well folks, it's sad to say it, but them owners and players are more interested in the money and wranglin' 'round in legalese than the sancitity of the game. I reckon they need time to get their ducks in row in terms of TV deals and sponsors, as well. It's pitiful, that's what it is. It's shameful and a disgrace to all them giant legends of football what played when we were youngins.

Folks, I said it before: I’m so hungry fer NFL football, especially to see my FINS play, that I’m fartin’ cobwebs over here. I feel like I been drug through a knot hole ass backwards and beat over the head with buzzard guts. I know it's still technically the off-season, but us fans need somethin' a lot more sturdy to hold onto than the followin' news bits:

• What tom fool is a gonna sign 34-years old former WR Plaxico Buress, what shot himself in the foot, has been in the lock up sine I don't know when, and hasn't played football since 2008.
• How many players are gettin' arrested these days.
• What team is a gonna pull its pants down for that thar HBO Hard Knocks TV show.
• Why NY Jet's pretty boy Mark Sanchez played better in the off season than the regular season.
• Talk of how all them players what were on injured reserved or on the practice squads are gonna come back this years and kick some butt (yawn). 
• Which teams, yes I said teams - that thar is the plural - Randy Moss is a gonna play for and git pouty with.
• Where former Ohio State Buckeye's coach and quarterback are gonna flip burgers at!

So again, I say it's time them highfalutin' NFL folks git their butts out of the outhouse and get'er done for us fans! I tell y'all what, if and they don't soon ... (shudders) ... I might start talkin' 'bout the UFL or even ... (double shudders) them CFL! Heck them them other leagues might even advertise with me!

All the best, - Judd Jugmonger
-----------------


Here's some readin' fer y'all to bide your time with this summer:

     

NFL Owners Need To Own Up To The Fans!

Howdy Folks and Kin,

I tell y'all what, I'm just pullin' my hairs out about this here situation with the NFL labor dispute. It's bad enough the NFL season's ended and we ain't go no games to watch. But addin' insult to injuries is the fact that we may not get us no more football fer awhile on account of them players and owners are still squabblin' 'bout what do with money what they ain't even earned yet, but got their sights on anyway.

Now if y'all are like me, then I reckon y'all are probably as angry as a bear what got its head stuck in an outhouse hole. Y'all know what I'm talkin' 'bout here, folks. Both them owners and players, what got a heck of a lot more than just a fancy pot to piss in, are lookin' out fer their own interests - and what they is interested in is not us fans or our game day experience.

Both sides got their demands on how to slice up that thar 'green' apple pie, and they is doin' their best to tell the other side to go and argue with a fencepost. In the mean time, until they get what they want, they is holdin' next season's games hostage and rufflin' the feathers of good fans. It's a cryin' shame and an insult to the glory of the game ... and the gridiron, too!

If y'all ask me, I'd say it's them owners, what have done gone and got Yankee rich over the years, that oughtsta be tar and feathered fer carryin' on the way they do. None of them seem to have the good sense God promised a billy goat on a good day! They done and grown their business so much, they is a wantin' more cash just to keep their Titanics from sinkin'... and when I say Titanics, I mean them new stadiums... not their teams.

That's right. The way I see it is that this here is all about them owners wantin' to build them some bigger stadiums. I just don't see why? I heard of lots of teams what can't even fill the ones they already got! Heck, if them Dolphins' Sun Life Stadium was any quieter on game day, I could swear y'all could hear a corndog drop. 

And, y'all can bet your flask that whenever them owners get them an itch to build a new stadium, they is a gonna ask them revenuers for some of our tax money, anyway! And, fer what? So that they can charge regular folks more money fer lousy seats and higher priced junk to eat, while a few rich 'pop-tarts', 'gangstas' and revenuers can ignore the game from their fancy 'highfalutin' sky boxes ... complete with indoor plumbin'! So I just don't see the point in what them owners want ... and to be honest, I'm sure most of y'all don't neither.

Now, it ain't no secret that I like cash. I reckon we all do! The problem with them owners is that they love our cash a bit too much and want to be usin' it instead of their own. So, it ain't got no nothin' to do with them not makin' no money in the traditional sense. Anyways, bigger stadiums don't make fer no better teams, it only makes fer more blackouts on the TV. It also makes fer some other problems like monster parkin' lots I tend to get lost in.

Most folks I know what don't even put more than $5 of gas in their jalopies at a time, will run out of gas before they even find their parkin' spaces to get geared up fer their tailgatin' party. Y'all know what else? On a hot day in Florida, even when y'all get to your parkin' space, y'all will need 2 pairs of flip-flops to make it to the stadium as you try to cross them blasted paved asphalt deserts. Trust me, that thar first pair is a gonna melt down faster than a peanut butter and nanner' sandwich in a fryin' pan.

Another problem with them bigger stadiums has got to do with the environment. Askin' a 100,000 fans to drive to the stadium means an increase of greenhouse gases. That thar is a lot of carbon dioxide! That's right, and I ain't even talkin' 'bout the increase of methane, too! Y'all can blame them cows all y'all want, but you and I both know the truth! Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

In a logical world, smaller stadiums means more butts on them seats and more support fer the home team. Heck, it don't take a rocket scientist to know that when them Miami Dolphins done achieved that thar perfect season in '72, the 12th man on the field was them fans in the old Orange Bowl with their white hankies a wavin' proudly. Of course, the 13th, 14th and some other men were probably still standin' on line to the outhouse -but that thar is another story.

I don't understand a few things. Them owners keep sayin' they is losin' their shirts in the NFL business ... but they don't want to open their bank books up and prove it to them players what are wearin' more gold and silver than most countries need to balance their budgets with. What I do know, however, is that them owners get them TV Networks to pay them a zillion dollars fer the rights to broadcast them local NFL games ... and then they threaten us local fans with TV blackouts if enough of us don't come to fork over our paycheck to come to them home games.

Folks, ain't y'all sick of tired of them rich types tryin' to ask fer our more money just so that they can grow more of their own? Ain't y'all sick of them revenuers kissin' the butts of them stadium owners instead of the folks what voted them into public office? I say the time is now to send a message to them NFL owners that we fans are sick and tired of it all... and if things keep up, well then, there's a gonna be a revolution ... even if it means watchin' them UFL games!

I know it's the off-season anyway. but I tell y'all what, in all my born days I was never so hungry fer NFL football that I'm startin' to fart cobwebs! Y'all heard me right! I keep hearin' 'bout some collective bargainin' agreement (CBA) or somethin' or another what needs to be worked out. So come on down from that cotton y'all are sittin' might high in and 'get'er done! It's the least y'all can do fer us fans. 

All the best, 

- Judd Jugmonger

----------------------------------------------------

While we all wait fer the next CBA deadline to get postponed, here's some good readin' I recommend them owners read, too:


       

     

 

Super Bowl XLV - Judd Prognosticates The Winner

Howdy Folks and Kin,

I ain't been around too much on account of I've been busy with some "production" projects, been and what not. Heck, I can be honest with y'all I done got myself lost in parkin' lot again, on an occasion or two. I've also been on a diet, but that's another story! Anyway, Super Bowl Sunday is upon is us once again. I keep gettin' email's from some of y'all what want to know what team I think is a gonna win the Pabst Blue Ribbon this time around. So I thought, fer all y'all what want to bet against me, I'd oblige with my picks.

Ok, unless any of y'all Cheese Heads or Steeler Nation types have come back from the Moon, y'all know it's them Green Bay Packers (10-6) vs. them Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4). Folks, this ain't gonna be no stinker bowl, and even the loser won't be drivin' the short bus home from the stadium. Both these teams are as tough as whit leather. They will both play hard and will be busier than a one legged man in a butt kickin' contest tryin' to win that thar Super Bowl ring.

Now, some folks say this game is all about QBs Aaron Rodger (Greenbay) vs. Ben Roethlisberger (Pittsburgh). That's right, it's ain't about QBs Bart Starr (Green Bay) nor Terry Bradshaw (Pittsburgh). It also ain't about them old but great Dolphins' QB Dan Marino, what was born in Pittsburgh.

I reckon that if this game is to be won on offense, then here's the match up y'all been snortin' about:

Aaron Rodgers (312-475, 3922 yds, 28 tds)

What can be said about Aaron Rodgers that ain't been said before? He's been walkin' tall and steppin' out that thar long shadow what that ole' Geritol swigger, Brett Favre, left behind. So I tell y'all what, I say it's time fer that there youngin' Aaron Rodgers to take one more giant step and do what like Johnny Walker says:  "just keep on walkin'! This youngin' was voted the FedEx Air NFL Player of the Year - and y'all all know it wasn't fer deliverin' pizzas or moonshine.

Ben Roethlisberger (240-389, 3200 yds, 17 tds)

If y'all do it on the papers, I'd say Aaron Rodgers is the better QB. But then there's one things them statistics don't reflect: toughness. That thar gunslinger, Ben Roethlisberger is one tough oak barrel. So I prognosticate that if this game gets physical, he'll be able to take a few more hits than Rodgers. Heck,  even when he does get hit, he keeps that thar pigskin in action .. so that his Speedy Gonzales receivers can get open again. Yes sir, he keeps them pass defenders as busy as a cat coverin' his what not on a marble floor. Now, that's what they call his "play extendin' experience" - and that thar is an important consideration, if y'all are a wantin' to win a Super Bowl.He won't throw in that thar "Terrible Towel" for no reason.

Now, winnin' Superbowls is somethin' Roethlisberger knows about. He' a gunnin' for his 3rd, despite a year what started out with him missin' 4 games on account of he's no gentleman (translation: sexual assault allegations and what not). To achieve that, a QB need a wild streak, and Roethlisberger's got one a mile and yard long. He's as wild as a peach orchard hog and crazier than a run over dog... but he still ain't no gentleman, like yours truly. Y'all can go ahead and ask my sweety deety, Jolene, to vouch fer me on that one! 

Now don't get me wrong, I think that thar Roethlisberger is one heck of quarterback. He reminds me them old greats like John Elway, Kenny Stabler and Jim Plunkett. He also reminds me of myself, on account of, accordin' to reports from TMZ.com, he can drink beer and sing, too! I think QB Terry Bradshaw, what's now a butt bearin' bona fide movie star, could do that, too. So Ben is sittin' in some pretty high cotton thar. By the way, I ain't heard of "the Velvet Elvis" where Ben does his act - but anyplace named after "the King" is fine by me. Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

Gettin' Defensive

Them Steelers' got them one good defense. I don't know if it's as good as that thar Steel Curtain of the 70s what came before them. But I tell y'all what, I wouldn't want run head first into them boys ... and that's just what Aaron Rodgers is a gonna have to do! Now them Green Bay boys, well, they got themselves a mighty fine defense, too. They also got them that thar pro-bowler linebacker, Clay Mathews. Still, them Steelers got them strong safety and NFL Defensive Player of the Year, Troy Polamalu. Now. both these player are play makers, but at the end of the day, if Aaron Rodgers is pressured and hurried and all squirrely like from takin' one too many hits ... well he might just throw Troy a pick 6. And, y'all know that Polamalu knows which way the end-zone is. Don't be surprised if this game is won by some defensive scores. 

The Bottom Line: 

When I was a youngin' I admired them Packers on account of Bart Starr and Vince Lombardi. Also, I like the color green, on account of it reminds me of cash. So the bottom line folks is .... well, heck, I'd love to go with my heart and say "go with them Packers", but I'm gonna have to follow my guts and say "go with them Steelers". Their defense is as tough as Brazil nuts, their receivers can run faster than green grass goin' through a goose, and their QB is as slick as owl droppin' on a July mornin'! That's right and don't y'all know it!

Other reasons them Steelers oughtsta win:

- Them Steelers in General Lee (I mean "generally") have got them more Super Bowl experience on their staff than them Packers. It's a fact. Check them numbers.

- The Steelers have a long tradition of winnin' the big game. Them Packers won the first Super Bowl ever. That's it. Even my Miami Dolphins have won 2.

- Dolphins QB, Dan Marino, was born in Pittsburgh. That's enough said on that one.

- Heck, my Miami Dolphins beat them Packers 23-20 earlier this season! Go Fins! 

Ok, so that thar is my pick. Now I want to remind y'all if that whether y'all bet with me or against me and win big, y'all need to remember who gave you this here pick! So, use the link on the right and do right by me. And, tell all your friends and kin that Judd Jugmonger says to do the same! Happy Tail Gatin' Y'all!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

-----------------------------------

Here's some good readin' related to this here game: