BP: Have a Nice Doomsday

Howdy folks and kin,

We're still a few weeks away NFL football season, and I sure hope we make it till then! Y'all wanna know why I say that? On account of all sorts of what not I've been readin' about here on the internet what's got me as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs.

I mean, folks we got us some earthquakes in Maryland of all places, and if y'all don't think that thar's got nothin' to do with that thar BP (redcoats!) oil spill foolishness in the Gulf, then y'all are one can short of a six-pack! Now I don't like to be no doomsday sayer, but I think some of them worrisome worried folks might have an idea or two, and maybe we oughtsta give them a listen.

So today, I aim to learn y'all somethin' what I know lots about, and that thar is methane gas. I suspect from the smell of things in some parts, some of y'all know somethin' about this, too. Know what I mean? I think y'all do! I'm also gonna talk about what's called "Ryskin's methane extinction theory". That thar is Ryskin, with an "R", not pigskin, with a "P".

Now, this ole Jugmonger ain't no conspiracy monger, but I hear that some scientist fellers were able to sneak out some research results from under the honkers of them BP red coated James Bond types what must surely be clampin' down on this news better than they done clamped down on that thar gushin' oil!

It seems that them BP redcoats drilled down so many miles into a geologically unstable region that they may have uncorked the release of a mega methane-bubble. I'm not talkin' about no can of baked beans variety of methane-bubble or even or pasture full of cow methane-bubbles. I'm talkin' some gas passin' so deadly, it will wipe us off this planet fer good!

Now folks, there is some science behind this and a bit of history, as well. It seems that like 250 million years ago a similar methane-bubble stunk up the outhouse but good, if y'all pardon the expression. This wasn't no ordinary passin' gas in the bathtub kind of bubble. No sir, this was a killer! That methane bubble rose from the ocean floor, and when it broke the surface it took out like more than 95% of all life on the planet! If ya don't believe me, then look up what's called the "Permian Extinction" event. They should've spelled it the X-STINK-TION, if y'all ask me, but I ain't no lingualist.

But I tell y'all what, that wasn't the only event of that stinky nature. 55 million years later, the ocean laid another stink bomb what caused more mass extinctions. That thar was called the Late Paleocene Thermal Maximum (LPTM). That maximum stinker lasted 100,000 years, and brought about all sorts of global warmin' and what not.

Now folks, guess where them killer fart bubbles burst from? If ya'll said the Persian Gulf, y'all would be wrong. But, if ya'll answered the Gulf of Mexico, then y'all would be right! If y'all are that smart then y'all don't need no rocket scientists to put one 1 and 1 together to tell us we may be in a heap of stinky touble: the fartin' bubble, bubble, toil and trouble kind of trouble! More trouble than all them cows collected together might cause.

Now I mentioned them earthquakes near them Baltimore Ravens home. Well trust me, them earth shakers ain't got nothin' to do with them Raven's quarterback corps, least of all former Miami Dolphins quarterback John Beck! Nope. What they might got to do with is a rise in the seafloor causin' large vents what might let that mega-methane bubble slip! Now whether it happen's on this side or that side of Florida, it still means the same thing: my outhouse is gonna smell a lot rosier than them great outdoors!

So folks, I want y'all to check out this link and let me know what y'all stink ... I mean think. http://www.helium.com/items/1882339-doomsday-how-bp-gulf-disaster-may-have-triggered-a-world-killing-event

In the meantime, I'm gonna sit in my outhouse and practice holdin' my nose. I suggest y'all do the same. In the worst case scenario though, I'm gonna get on down to the Pigly Wiggly and get me some cans of them BBQ baked beans. Heck, I reckon if ya can't lick 'em, you may as well join 'em!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. Here's some books what might help us all, just in case.
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Soccer: A Poor Folk's Sport

Howdy Folks & Kin,

Today is the kick off for that thar FIFA WORLD CUP. No, I ain't talkin' bout poodles and tea drinkers here. I'm talkin' 'bout soccer, also known in some parts as football ... but not our football, as in NFL or College football.

Now, fer all y'all what might be askin' "Judd? Why is it that that thar soccer is so popular all over the world?" I think I might got a few answers. See, soccer is sort of the poor man's sport. And, as we all know, especially in these days of economic regression, there's lots of poor folks around, what ain't able to buy no equipment to play them other games what are so popular here in the USA.

Heck folks, just think of all them times when y'all were youngins and were wantin' to play some sport but couldn't make hay with what y'all got or didn't got. Remember them times? Here's an example: didn't y'all even have a youngin', what no doubt rode in to school on the short bus, what brought a basketball to school what ain't got no court, and ipso facto no net? Didn't y'all take that thar ball away from that red haired boy and put it on the ground what to play soccer with? I reckon, y'all did!

So lots a folks, the world over can relate to soccer, especially for economical reasons. How many of y'all what lost your jobs ended up kickin' a can on the way down to pick up your unemployment checks? Obviously, if y'all are gettin' unemployment checks, y'all can't afford the equipment for them other sports! If ya don't beleive me, go ahead and ask Cousin Judith, with them youngins, just how far them food stamps go! Heck I don't even think they cover duct tape! So, when y'all think of it, most of them really popular sports, what we got here in the USA, cost way too much to play for many folks or youngins on account of all them equipment and what not, what would be needed. Here's a few examples fer y'all:

HOCKEY:
Ice skates, sticks, pads, pucks and lots of electric fer them freezers what got make them ice cubes y'all gots to push together to make a playin' surrface. And, if any of y'all git hit in the face with that thar puck, y'all are gonna pay more than a pretty penny and a wooden nickel to them dentists and plastic surgeons! Heck, I ain't even gonna mention the cost of them Zambonis!

BASEBALL:
Y'all need bats, assorted gloves, bases, chewin' tobacco, and lots of balls on account of some fool what is always a knockin' them out of the park! Now don't get me wrong, I love baseball, but by the time y'all figure out who's gonna go fetch that thar ball what got the stuffin' knocked out of it or who is gonna pay fer that thar windshield what got cracked ... well, everyone just gets hungry and just goes home and eats.

Another problem with baseball is that it's also the one game what got infiltrated by them slick as an eel BIG BUSINESS tobacco folks what said that real baseball players must chew tobacco and tug at their crotches! That thar chewin' tobacco got so popular that them BIG BUSINESS pharmaceutical companies got jealous and said that real baseball players have to take them expensive steroids! Let's face it folks, the game has become not only just too expensive to play, but also bad fer them youngin's health! BIG BUSINESS had ruined this game fer most.

BASKETBALL:
Them youngin's need a net and expensive sneakers to jump high with. Them flip flops just ain't no good fer jumpin' on. Havin' them expensive sneakers is important and they had better got some star athlete's endorsement on them and a price tag of more than 200 hundred dollars, or they is a gonna wind up hangin' from some electric wires! Now, if them youngins can't afford them expensive sneakers, how in the world are they a gonna be able to afford them growth hormones to keep up with them other genetically tall youngins? Again, this is another case where them drug peddlin' BIG BUSINESS folks ruined the game.

GOLF:
Balls, tees, assorted clubs, grounds keepers, golf carts, ball washers and expensive fashion wear. Heck, you even have to pay some folks, them caddies, what to hold your balls! I sort of pass on that thar idea fer both economical and personal reasons, if y'all know what I mean ... and I think y'all do! And, what about all them alimony payments ole' Tiger Woods is a gonna have to pay fer playin' in them sand traps?

FOOTBALL:
Y'all know what I'm talkin' about here! The price of them pigskins and that thar Gatorade is on the rise! The good news, however, is that pads are optional, and so is them goal posts. And, if y'all can't afford a pigskin, then a rolled up sweater will do. Trust me, that that works! See, in Miami, where I hail from, there was always one youngin' at school, what didn't got no athletic genes anyway and whose mama made him take a sweater on account of she was fearful that them air conditioners would give her youngin' a crick in his neck. That thar youngin', what didn't got the good sense God gave a billy goat on a good day, didn't need to be wearnin' no sweater in 100 degrees South Florida temperatures. So, we was doin' him a favor by usin' his sweater in the first place! Of course, he had to explain to his mama why his sweater had gone missin' and why his sneakers were hangin' from them electric wires at the school house. Maybe some psychotherapy was needed, I don't know. But, I reckon that that thar is another story altogether.

So let's be honest folks, to play soccer you don't need much, just a ball, a can, a cabbage head or a even a rolled up sweater. And, that's why soccer is a poor man's sport, and, an international favorite!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. If y'all are like me, I'm gonna keep an eye out or two on that thar FIFA World Cup as I enjoy my buffalo wings, on account of our boys are considered strong underdogs. I hope you'll be rootin' and tootin' fer them as well as they take on them Tea Drinkers from over across that thar big pong. Them red coats deserve a poundin' fer what their BIG BUSINESS oil folks (BP) did to our Gulf Coast! So I say, take it to them boys and kick that thar soccer ball at them where the sun don't shine! It's payback time, folks!


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Fer all y'all what got your sweaters taken away from you as youngins, here's some readin' I recommend: