Portion and Bloomers Control

Howdy Folks and Kin,
I tell y'all what, it's been a shockin' week, both on the internet and in my life, too! Decidin' on what to start writin' about to begin with is about as hard as decidin' which end of a beef jerky to chomp down on first! We got them USA soccer boys playin' in the FIFA World Cup, we still got them BP red coats what still don't got enough cups to git rid of that thar oil, and we got the media's drama cup runnin' over on account of a supposed photo of Miley Cyrus what was suggestin' she don't wear no bloomers!

Mean while, in all this what not, I'm on "portion control"! That's right! I got me some GERD and need to deal with it by eatin' smaller potions. That's like tellin' a hog he'll have to make due with only a dixie cup full of mud. I also am havin' to pay them BIG BUSINESS drug pushin' pharmaceutical folks for some pill therapy. So none of that sits especially with me. I'm down right ornery today.

Now, y'all know what GERD is don'tcha? It means Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease. It took me awhile to learn how to say it, let alone spell it! Until then things were might confusin'. For instance, I called up my Jolene and the conversation went a somethin' like this:

Judd:
Hey Sweety Deety! Guess what, Dr. Ben Dover says I got me some Gastroeconomical Enterological Refluxation Disease!

Jolene:
Oh my, sugar! Is that on account of the economical regression?

Judd:
No darlin'. That's on account of I eat too much pizza n' ribs, maybe.

Jolene:
Judd? Did you catch that by havin' lunch with a banker or somethin'?

Judd:
No Jolene, it ain't got nothin' to do with no finances! That thar doctor told me a I gots to eat less and cut out them greasy foods.

Jolene:
Well Judd, that's good cause the price of them groceries at the Piggly Wiggly is on the rise and we don't need to be sendin' none of it to Greece anyway!

So as y'all can see, learnin' them right words is important. Here's another for instance from when I called Cousin Justin over at the Katywonkered Cafe':

Judd:
Hey cuz! Guess what? I got me some Gastronomical Enteritis Refill Disease.

Cousin Justin:
Really? Me, too. Every time I fill my pick-up up with some of that thar regular gas what cousin Jed gives me, what he siphoned off from cousin John, I get me the same problem. Say, you want the name of my mechanic? He used to work pits at NASCAR.

Judd:
No Justin. It ain't got nothin' to do with no cars. It's from usin' too much tabascey sauce, I reckon.

Cousin Justin:
No Jud, that ain't no good fer your engine none. You need to pick up some of that thar STP Power Booster. That thar is a fuel additive what will get the ya-ya's out of your engine real quick like. Tabasco sauce is fer your pizza.

So as y'all can see folks, gettin' the words straight surely makes a big difference! In fact, gettin' your facts straight helps, too! I reckon y'all heard about that thar flap about a photo of Miley Cyrus gettin' out of a car when she ain't got no bloomers on. Fer the life of me, I cannot understand why the media seems a fixated on fixin' to catch famous folks with their pants down. I do declare that it seems that thar's lots a folks what ain't got much of a life ... or what think that the rest of us don't got much of a life and want to see such what not.

Now, it's my understandin' that that thar picture in question wasn't even a fake! No photoshop, no pixelatin' or Gimpin' go on. By that I mean, that it showed that Miley (she's Hanna Montana!) did indeed her have bloomers on, after all!. I ain't seen the picture none, and I ain't too interested in seein' it, neither. If I wanna see some what not, well, I got me a girl friend fer that. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Now I believe, after all, that Miley Cyrus is a youngin' of good upbringin' what her daddy, Billy Ray Cyrus, taught her. I'm sure he told his youngin' to wear some bloomers when she goes out. But still, it got me thinkin'.... maybe as a society we have become too dependant on creatin' buffers between ourselves and the world around us. Maybe, just maybe, our over dependency on wearin' bloomers, boxers, drawers, long johns and thongs is a sign of an insecure culture. Maybe we need to let it all hang out from time to time, just to feel the wind blow and to remind us that we is all the same and we is all in this together.

Maybe that thar WWF or them United Nations should declare an international "No Drawers Day" just like we got them "No Car Days". Heck I even heard of a "No Pants Day"! Now, I ain't suggestin' we have both, "No Drawers Day" and "No Britches Day" on the same day, if ya'll know what I mean! We get enough of that come summer in some parts of the world.

So, will international "No Drawers Day" be the one day of celebration that ends up unitin' the world like that thar FIFA World Cup, what our Team USA is a gonna win? Maybe or maybe not, who knows? All I know is I got me some GERD and I have to go on portion control! So I'm not worryin' too much 'bout whether or not Miley Cyrus needs to air out her nether regions or not. That's her own business. I take care of mine and she can take care of hers.

But, I tell y'all what, if I catch any of them paparazin' photographers, what are 1 frame short of a roll, tryin' to catch me when I ain't got no drawers or britches on, they better have them some fast runnin' shoes cause I aim to run them off with nothin' but my eatin' stick! Maybe I should put up a sign what says: Beware: Man On Portion Control!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. Fer all a y'all what might got you some GERD, I'm gonna do a special article in the future on what I have learned. Meanwhile here is some readin' I recommend!
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Soccer: A Poor Folk's Sport

Howdy Folks & Kin,

Today is the kick off for that thar FIFA WORLD CUP. No, I ain't talkin' bout poodles and tea drinkers here. I'm talkin' 'bout soccer, also known in some parts as football ... but not our football, as in NFL or College football.

Now, fer all y'all what might be askin' "Judd? Why is it that that thar soccer is so popular all over the world?" I think I might got a few answers. See, soccer is sort of the poor man's sport. And, as we all know, especially in these days of economic regression, there's lots of poor folks around, what ain't able to buy no equipment to play them other games what are so popular here in the USA.

Heck folks, just think of all them times when y'all were youngins and were wantin' to play some sport but couldn't make hay with what y'all got or didn't got. Remember them times? Here's an example: didn't y'all even have a youngin', what no doubt rode in to school on the short bus, what brought a basketball to school what ain't got no court, and ipso facto no net? Didn't y'all take that thar ball away from that red haired boy and put it on the ground what to play soccer with? I reckon, y'all did!

So lots a folks, the world over can relate to soccer, especially for economical reasons. How many of y'all what lost your jobs ended up kickin' a can on the way down to pick up your unemployment checks? Obviously, if y'all are gettin' unemployment checks, y'all can't afford the equipment for them other sports! If ya don't beleive me, go ahead and ask Cousin Judith, with them youngins, just how far them food stamps go! Heck I don't even think they cover duct tape! So, when y'all think of it, most of them really popular sports, what we got here in the USA, cost way too much to play for many folks or youngins on account of all them equipment and what not, what would be needed. Here's a few examples fer y'all:

HOCKEY:
Ice skates, sticks, pads, pucks and lots of electric fer them freezers what got make them ice cubes y'all gots to push together to make a playin' surrface. And, if any of y'all git hit in the face with that thar puck, y'all are gonna pay more than a pretty penny and a wooden nickel to them dentists and plastic surgeons! Heck, I ain't even gonna mention the cost of them Zambonis!

BASEBALL:
Y'all need bats, assorted gloves, bases, chewin' tobacco, and lots of balls on account of some fool what is always a knockin' them out of the park! Now don't get me wrong, I love baseball, but by the time y'all figure out who's gonna go fetch that thar ball what got the stuffin' knocked out of it or who is gonna pay fer that thar windshield what got cracked ... well, everyone just gets hungry and just goes home and eats.

Another problem with baseball is that it's also the one game what got infiltrated by them slick as an eel BIG BUSINESS tobacco folks what said that real baseball players must chew tobacco and tug at their crotches! That thar chewin' tobacco got so popular that them BIG BUSINESS pharmaceutical companies got jealous and said that real baseball players have to take them expensive steroids! Let's face it folks, the game has become not only just too expensive to play, but also bad fer them youngin's health! BIG BUSINESS had ruined this game fer most.

BASKETBALL:
Them youngin's need a net and expensive sneakers to jump high with. Them flip flops just ain't no good fer jumpin' on. Havin' them expensive sneakers is important and they had better got some star athlete's endorsement on them and a price tag of more than 200 hundred dollars, or they is a gonna wind up hangin' from some electric wires! Now, if them youngins can't afford them expensive sneakers, how in the world are they a gonna be able to afford them growth hormones to keep up with them other genetically tall youngins? Again, this is another case where them drug peddlin' BIG BUSINESS folks ruined the game.

GOLF:
Balls, tees, assorted clubs, grounds keepers, golf carts, ball washers and expensive fashion wear. Heck, you even have to pay some folks, them caddies, what to hold your balls! I sort of pass on that thar idea fer both economical and personal reasons, if y'all know what I mean ... and I think y'all do! And, what about all them alimony payments ole' Tiger Woods is a gonna have to pay fer playin' in them sand traps?

FOOTBALL:
Y'all know what I'm talkin' about here! The price of them pigskins and that thar Gatorade is on the rise! The good news, however, is that pads are optional, and so is them goal posts. And, if y'all can't afford a pigskin, then a rolled up sweater will do. Trust me, that that works! See, in Miami, where I hail from, there was always one youngin' at school, what didn't got no athletic genes anyway and whose mama made him take a sweater on account of she was fearful that them air conditioners would give her youngin' a crick in his neck. That thar youngin', what didn't got the good sense God gave a billy goat on a good day, didn't need to be wearnin' no sweater in 100 degrees South Florida temperatures. So, we was doin' him a favor by usin' his sweater in the first place! Of course, he had to explain to his mama why his sweater had gone missin' and why his sneakers were hangin' from them electric wires at the school house. Maybe some psychotherapy was needed, I don't know. But, I reckon that that thar is another story altogether.

So let's be honest folks, to play soccer you don't need much, just a ball, a can, a cabbage head or a even a rolled up sweater. And, that's why soccer is a poor man's sport, and, an international favorite!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. If y'all are like me, I'm gonna keep an eye out or two on that thar FIFA World Cup as I enjoy my buffalo wings, on account of our boys are considered strong underdogs. I hope you'll be rootin' and tootin' fer them as well as they take on them Tea Drinkers from over across that thar big pong. Them red coats deserve a poundin' fer what their BIG BUSINESS oil folks (BP) did to our Gulf Coast! So I say, take it to them boys and kick that thar soccer ball at them where the sun don't shine! It's payback time, folks!


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Fer all y'all what got your sweaters taken away from you as youngins, here's some readin' I recommend: