Fat Fingers and the BM on Wall Steet

Howdy, folks and kin. I tell y''all what, this past week has been rougher than a corn cob. Now, a day or so ago, I was chewin' the bacon fat with my cousin Judith about the week's news and in "general lee" the economic regression and the media. Now I tell y'all what, cousin Judith is one smart biscuit, but sometimes she could start an argument in empty room. She also knows which ways the weather blows 'bout the government and what not, cause account of all them government papers she is always fillin' out fer her youngins. Now y'all know that, I can surely hold up my rear end up in an argument, even though sometimes I may say things what sound like I'm one fry short of a Happy Meal. Anyways, I thought I'd give y'all my thoughts and what I told cousin Judith, who by the ways say "Hey!" to y'all.

Now, lot's of y'all know about that thar Wall Street breakdown the other day, when the DOW began to fall and the bow began to break. The media jumped all over that thar story, and eventually it fell like 1000 points, before kickin' back up round about 600 points or so. They, that is NASDAQ, not NASCAR, say it was a technical problem and they is blamin' someone with fat fingers over thar at Citibank, or Citicorp, or whatever name it is them bankers is hidin' behind. They claim this hefty paper pusher messed up on a stock order, by pushin' a "B" fer billions of stock, instead of "M" fer millions. It happened maybe because this feller's fingers were so fat he went to punch that thar "B" key, but hit that thar "M" key instead. The result was someone laid a big "BM" on the stock market floor.

It seems that NASDAQ went ahead and cancelled like 60% of them stock transactions what they didn't like. I reckon they believe they've gots the rights to do so, cause playin' the stock market is sort of like gamblin'. They figured this incident was sorta like when them slot machines over thar in Las Vegas, or maybe Atlantic City, (but not in Miami Beach!) begin flashin' and blinkin' and tellin' you that you just won the Jackpot ... and then suddenly this little feller with a Canoli shows up holdin' hands with a bigger mean lookin' feller, what tells you "you ain't" won on account that that thar machine was broke ... and well, they just happen to ferget to stick a little note what says "Out Of Order" over the coin slot, you know like them little notes y'all see all the time at the Bowl-A Mat Laundromat.

Now, I thought I'd do me some investigative journalism on this here situation. Heck, all I had to do was look down at my keyboard. Of course, first I had to brush away some of them pizza crust crumbs, and spray on a little bit of Windex to loosen up some of that dried bacon grease to see them letters clearly. Eventually, I was able to see that you'd have to have pretty fat fingers to end up hittin' both the "B" and "M" keys together. You'd also end up with an "N" fer free! Maybe, Citibank or Citicorp must be hiring all them "girth challenged" folks what the army won't take anymore! I ain't sure. But, the point is though that somewhere over thar on Wall Street, someone's engine is runnin', but nobody is drivin'.

Maybe I'm confused, but I thought that was one of them golden rules of gamblin' was that if y'all snooze and make a bad bet, that's tough luck, and losin' your cash serves you right fer makin' such a dumb bet in the first place. But apparently that ain't so over thar on Wall Street, cause is they lookin' out fer their own, see? In the case of NASDAQ, the odds don't just favor the house, the house actually controls them!

Speakin' of control, it's my opinion, what I told cousin Judith, that our economy seems to be driven' by media tactics and fear. Y'all know how I can tell? Cause 50% of the spam e-mail I receive is about investin' in stocks what no one's heard of. The other 50%, best as I can tell, is about some guy named "ED" what's worryin' about my "what not" and uh ... whether I can still drive a "hard bargain" with the ladies. Know what I mean? I think you do, and apparently ole' "ED" gots some "Viagra" fer us all.

Anyway, maybe I'm one can short of 6-pack sometimes, but it makes sense to me that if them revenuers want to boost the dollar, all they got to do is whip them media folks up "Cool Whip" like over what's goin' on over thar in Europe with Greece and Euro. Looks like that thar Euro could use some of them "ED" emails, what I got.... maybe our Dollar, too.

Fer the DOW to fall almost a 1000 points, it would take more than just some tubby feller pushin' the wrong button. It takes fear and panic compliments of the media. I thought we was all done with them form of fear tactics, once Bush and Cheney got up and gone. But, I reckon old habits die hard fer some, right? What happened to all them real "journalists"? How come all we gots on the news these day is "commentators" preachin' to us all about this and that, instead? Thank you, but I don't need to be told what to think, cause I can think fer myself. Just give me the facts and let me git on with my life. I'm happy to thank the Lord, not FOX news and Glen Beck, for the good sense he gave me.

How about the rest of y'all? Ain't y'all tired of them media folks not given us the news, but feedin' us with "BM"s instead? Seriously folks, at the very least, if the government ain't in cahoots with them media folks, then it's all about gittin' viewer ratings for them TV news shows, which are produced by them entertainment companies, what also own them news agencies. And, they all know that the best way to git them some ratings is by tellin' us things to get us all riled up and nervous. And y'all want to know why it works every time? It's because we have all become a nation of "rubber neckers", that why. Y'all know what a rubbernecker is, dont'cha? It's them drivin' fools what stop on the highway and lean their heads out to take gander and goggle at every fender bender or piece a roadkill, they pass. Now, maybe some of them are just lookin' fer dinner, but still that ain't no excuse! Like I always say: excuses are like backsides; we all got 'em and they all stink just the same.

Now don't git me wrong, I ain't sayin' that them Wall Street suits or them revenuers laid a "BM" on the stock market on purpose. But if y'all don't believe that them "powers that be" have been gettin' the media to act as crazy as a run over hound dog over that thar situation in Greece to destabilize the Euro, then you is nuttier than squirrel squat.

What bothers me the most is that while the media was bangin' on the economic drum about Greece fer days on end, over thar in Music City, USA (that's Nashville, for all a you folks what can't carry tune in a bucket) them good folks were, and are still tryin', to keep their heads above them flood waters, and they sure could have used that thar media attention to get them some help. Now, I know that Anderson Cooper of CNN, bless his heart, eventually had the good sense to git on over their and set things right. But, let's face it folks, I think it's time we took back our airwaves and tell these media folks to stop manipulatin' us and the world economies, and get back to just given us the news plain and simple ... and maybe put some more Bluegrass music on the radio.

Bein' the kind of feller I am , I thought I would leave y'all a Stock Tip: Fer all a y'all what like to watch the stock market, keep in mind that all that really matters is how the market closes at the end of the day. During the day stock prices can jump from heaven and hell, but keep your eyes and fat fingers on them ending numbers. If the stock market closes with a 20% drop then it's surely the time to break out the Pepto-Bismol, cause the market has gone Pepto-Abysmal!

Now, lots of educated folk, and even cousin Judith, might look at me and ask, "Judd, did you take the short bus home from school when you was young?". To them I say, y'all can think what you want, but before y'all form your opinions about the news, consider the source of the evidence you seen. That means: take a good hard look at who is a holdin' that thar doggy biscuit up to your noses with one hand, and your collars with the other.

All the best, - Judd Jugmonger

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If you ain't illiterate, you might be interested in these books. If you is illiterate, and someone is readin' this to you, I don't mean no offense, but some of these come in audio books, too!


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LINKS FOR HELPING TENNESSEE FLOOD VICTIMS:

Tennessee Government: http://www.tennesseeanytime.org/ or http://www.tn.gov/

Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) : http://www.tnema.org/

Middle Tennessee Red Cross: http://www.middletennredcross.org/

a Facebook group for Nashville relief efforts:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=114451711926915&index=1

"NashvilleFlood" on Twitter: responding to @-replies from people in need of trucks and supplies.
http://twitter.com/NashvilleFlood

Wasted On The Doctors' Bill For Medical Marijuana

Howdy folks and kin! This mornin' while learnin' to chew my oatmeal and NOT drinkin' my Bailey's laced coffee due to my stomach ailments (I got me the gastritis!), I saw this here article about "weed" bein' made legal fer medical usage. Well not really, you see the story goes, accordin' to them boys at the Washington Post, that thar's these legislatin' revenuers up there in D.C., what have been busier than a one-legged man in a butt kickin' contest, writin' up a bill what would make it legal fer doctors to "recommend" some "Mary Jane" fer medicinal purposes. They could recommend it ... but not actually write no prescriptions for that thar "ganga". I had to read that thar article twice cause I couldn't make heads nor donkey tails bouts what the purposes of that thar bill was. It's a bill about a whole lotta nothin'. You see, they want to to pass a law what says it's legal fer them doctors to do what they can already do, but not do what they know they already can't do? I tell y'all what, it sounds like we got us some "potheads" as elected officials. Know what I mean? I think you do.

Now, after some thinkin' and two pushups it occurred to me that thar is somethin' what smells funny about this here bill, and you can bet it ain't no "reefer". So I said to myself, "Judd, who actually benefits from this here bill?". Well, I can tell y'all what, it's ain't them "dopers" that's fer sure, cause they still ain't got what they want and this bill ain't gonna give it to them ... or maybe they is gettin' it anyway, but it sure ain't legal and can get them in a heapin' helpin' of trouble.

So who benefits from this here bill? It sure ain't them folks what are feelin' poorly and could use a whiff of that thar "panama red", cause we all know that thar bill and a nickel still won't buy them no "texas tea". And, them poor sick folks still got to pay them doctors fer their "recommendation". Thanks fer nothin'!

The truth is that them folks what benefit are them doctors and them legislatin' revenuers, of course. I ain't figured out them doctors' angles exactly just yet, but I reckon it has something to do with gettin' them some more vistation fees and also some legal protection fer gettin' paid to endorse that thar "grass" publicly without bringin' down some heat on them. As far as them legislatin' revenuers go, well, we all know what their angles is, don't we? It's to git them votes; voter hounds of the lowest breeds is what they is. I can hear it now: "Hey all you "herbalists" and "sick folk"! Y'all wanna git high? Vote Fer Me! I gots your backs!" Folks, it sure don't take no chicken to spot a rotten egg, or to know that them legislatin' revenuers ain't got no one's backs except fer their own.

So the real question here is why are our tax dollars bein' spent on writin' bills that either (a) don't got a snowball is hell's chance of gettin' passed and (b) are obviously meant to protect some folks what already gots a lot of money and what want to git them some more? And, why are we electin' officials what want to spend our taxes on gettin' them more votes? Sounds like business as usual up thar in Washington. No wonder it takes them days fer them to respond to national disasters like oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico and floods in Tennessee.

Now, thar's lots to be said about whether or not canabis should be legal for medicinal purposes or not. I says "why not" with some reservations, of course, to protect the public from misuse. There's lots a poor folks what are really sufferin' with their illnesses and what might really benefit from some that thar "Bush", and these medical and political folks are just preyin' on their miseries. That's what it is folks, plain and simple as a youngin's pimple. Just another fine example of government waste ... and heck, these legislatin' revenuers ain't even wasted!

Maybe I got it all wrong, so I'd surely be much obliged if someone can explain this all to me. Any undertakers? Here's the link to the article I mentioned above: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2010/05/04/AR2010050405305.html

All the best, - Judd Jugmonger

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I got me some readin' recommendations here fer y'all. Don't worry none, I ain't no doctor and won't send y'all a bill fer what I recommend. Amazon might though ....

Time to Exfoliate The Oil Industry

Howdy folks and kin! Last Thursday, April 22nd, was the NFL Draft, but it was also "Earth Day" which is a day set aside to make good folks think about and appreciate the Earth's environment. This year a newsworthy and astounding event marked this special occasion. No it's wasn't only the fact that Tim Tebow was picked in the first round of the draft, it was that a big ole' stupid Oil Rig what was diggin' fer "Black Gold" right smack dab in the middle of my Gulf Of Mexico, blew up and sank, and most likely sent 11 poor souls to an oily watery grave. Them news folk now say that thar oil rig is leakin' over 1000 barrels of oil a day or more! Meanwhile, over thar on Capitol Hill, there are several offshore drilling proposals in Congress, and it seems that our President Obama might be willin' to say "yes" to them. That means more drillin' fer oil in our backyard waters... and lots more ecological disasters on the way.

Now folks, ain't all y'all sick and tired of givin' your hard earned money away to "Big Business" and them blasted "Oil Tycoons"both here and over thar in the Middle East? Aren't y'all sick and tired of lettin' them ruin our world and makin' us say "thank you fer it" and "please give us more"? It don't take a rocket scientist to know we is payin' fer our planet's and our own demises at the hand them slick oily fellers. And fer what? A better standard of livin' or a better quality of life? No sir and no ma'am! It's all fer the sake of gettin' them oily folks richer by makin' profits off a our planet, our air, food and water, as well as our own ever increasin' misery! That's right, I said "misery", spelt M-I-S-E-R-Y. Why "misery"? Well folks, I tell y'all what, I wish I was more elegant a writer to intellectually express my views on why we should say "NO!" to oil and start lookin' fer other energy sources. But I can only share with all y'all some of my miseryin' ... especially since, well y'all know, misery loves company! So here it goes:

- I'm sick and tired of breathin' polluted air and havin' to wipe soot and grime off a my guitars, especially my new Telecaster.

- I'm sick and tired of goin' to the beach and comin' home with tar on my feet and drippin' out of my swimmin' trunks, lookin' like I was too lazy to git to the outhouse in time.


- I'm sick and tired of seein' our coastal waters and our fishin' habitats filled with oily sludge. My heart breaks fer all a them little fishies what can't breathe oil. Y'all know what that's like? If not, go stick all a y'alls heads in a bowl of hair gel. Stay there and try breathin' fer five minutes. Y'all will wise up real quick like.

- I'm sick and tired of risin' temperatures outside cause a all a that thar tar and asphalt what we got laid down fer drivin' and parkin' our fancy cars on. We cain't even walk barefoot in our cities no more, cause account of the dang heat!

- I'm sick and tired of hearin' a never endin' processional of cars goin' by my front porch. You try pickin' the "Wildwood Flower" with horns a blastin'! Don't git me wrong, I love NASCAR, but I don't want to hear it outside my window night and day.

- I'm sick and tired of payin' fer gas.... not just the rising price of gas ... gas PERIOD. I heard that over the years there may have been lots of ideas to help git us off our dependency on oil and havin' to pay fer gas. But them Oil Company folk sure made sure that none of these idears never saw the blessed light of day. I heard of this one feller, what ran out of gas on the highway, and he tried breakin' wind in his gas tank. Well along came them Highway Patrol Troopers and, sure enough, they locked him up real quick. I guess they is in cahoots with them Oil folks, too.

- I'm sick and tired of hearin' how cancers is on the rise due to air, water and soil pollution. Guess what's blame? It ain't Olive Oil. Know what I mean? I think you do. I gots me lots a inflammation, and I think it's a because of oil.

- I'm sick and tired of payin' taxes for BIG BUSINESS bailouts for oil interests what are usin' that thar money to make oil fer car gas ... just so we can give them some more money fer it! Why should I pay fer someone else to do his business, when I ain't got no money to do my own!

- I'm sick and tired of feelin' like I been made a fool of by government officials what care more about Oil Business lobbyists than me! Them politicians and revenuers git them free gourmet fancy lunches at them swanky restaurants while I'm here tryin' make ends meet by eatin' cans a lima beans! It ain't fair!

Now thar are lots a folks what git all nervous when folks like me start talkin' about "No More Oil". I reckon they is scared what someone's gonna tell them they cain't drive their Hummers and Lamberginees no more or use some of that thar Vaseline with that someone special. These are them folks what say things like "Everything we use is somehow connected to petroleum". Well, if that thar is the truth, don't y'all reckon that thar is a BIG problem? Now either these folks are gittin' their salaries paid by them Oily folks, or they is just brain washed by them BIG BUSINESS types who sound all slick like on the Radio and TV. Personally, I ain't impressed too much by a $1000 polyester suit and some straightened pearly whites, even if they ain't dentures. Or maybe these folks are just haters what could start an argument in an empty house. If brains were leather, these folks wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug ... and that's the sad truth.

Another truth is that we is all as dumb as a stump fer allowin' this "what not" to go on for as long as it has. So I say give Mother Nature some lovin' and give them Oily Tycoons the boot before they kill us all!

If y'all have had enough, too, and want to say NO MORE OIL once and fer all, send the message to your local revenuer. Here's some internet links what might help you and us all out:

Send a Message to our President Obama:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact

Or you can do it here through "350.org". They is some nice folks.
http://action.350.org/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=2785

Al Gore likes this website, and so do I!
http://www.repoweramerica.com/

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If y'all want to learn more about the oil industry, our planet and what not, check  out these books.

Judd Jugmonger's NFL Draft Picks - 2010

Howdy folks and kin! Come this Thursday, April 22, 2010, it's draft for the NFL! So I put together an update for my podcast, Judd Jugmonger's NFL Picks, for all a y'all to hear my picks. Y'all can hear the  podcast on I-Tunes or download it by using the link at the right what says "MP3". As usual, for all a y'all what don't like my voice none, I've posted the transcript below for y'all to read and enjoy. Happy Draft Day!

Judd Jugmonger's NFL Mock Draft Picks - 2010
Pick 1: St. Louis Rams (1-15):	Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
Pick 2: Detroit Lions (2-14):	Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Pick 3: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13):	Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
Pick 4: Washington Redskins (4-12):	Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
Pick 5: Kansas City Chiefs (4-12):	Eric Berry, S/CB, Tennessee
Pick 6: Seattle Seahawks (5-11):	Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
Pick 7: Cleveland Browns (5-11):	Earl Thomas, S/CB, Texas
Pick 8: Oakland Raiders (5-11):	Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland
Pick 9: Buffalo Bills (6-10):	Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa
Pick 10: Jacksonville Jaguars (7-9):):	Derrick Morgan, DE Georgia Tech
Pick 11: Denver Broncos (7-9):	Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
Pick 12: Miami Dolphins (7-9):	Sergio Kindle, DE/LB, Texas
Pick 13: San Francisco (8-8):	Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Pick 14: Seattle Seahawks (8-8):	C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson
Pick 15: New York Giants (8-8):	Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama
Pick 16: Tennessee Titans (8-8):	Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida
Pick 17: San Francisco 49ers (8-8):	Mike Iupati, OT/OG, Idaho
Pick 18: Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7):	Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Pick 19: Atlanta Falcons (9-7):	Brandon Graham, DE Michigan
Pick 20: Houston Texans (9-7):	Kyle Wilson, CB Boise State
Pick 21: Cincinnati Bengals (10-6):	Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Pick 22: New England Patriots (10-6):	Jared Odrick, DT/DE, Penn State
Pick 23: Green Bay Packers (11-5):	Taylor Mays, S, USC
Pick 24: Philadelphia Eagles (11-5):	Maurkice Pouncey, C/G, Florida
Pick 25: Baltimore Ravens (9-7):	Demaryius Thomas, WR Georgia Tech
Pick 26: Arizona Cardinals (10-6):	Sean Weatherspoon, LB, Missouri
Pick 27: Dallas Cowboys (11-5):	Charles Brown, OT USC
Pick 28: San Diego Chargers (13-3):	Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State
Pick 29: New York Jets (9-7):	Roger Saffold OT/OG, Indiana
Pick 30: Minnesota Vikings (12-4):	Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
Pick 31: Indianapolis Colts (14-2):	Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee
Pick 32: New Orleans (13-3):	Everson Griffen, DE, USC

---------- Begin Podcast Transcript ----------

Well, howdy folks and kin! This here is Judd Jugmonger, live from the Katywonkered Cafe'. Now in case any a y'all just come in from a Chamomile Tea Party somewhere, this week is NFL Draft Week. THE NFL, - that thar is the National Football League, where some highly educated youngins are gonna git some BIG money before they even done squat. Now, of course this week, come Thursday, is when all them fans start countin' their little chickies before they hatch ... a hopin' their teams are a gonna take draft picks what's gonna make their team gooderer then grits ... and not one can short of a six-pack. Know what I mean? I think you do.

All right, now since everyone is sittin' around chewin' this here fat - I thought I, a professional prognosticator, would give y'all my picks, uh sort of a mock draft of sorts, to let y'all know what I think about this and what not and what's a gonna go down, come the first round of selections on Draft Day ... and why. You know my sweety deety Jolene, always asks me "Judd, why they done that"... so I'm gonna sit here and explain it to y'all. Ok, so we got us 32 picks so let's get on it cause everyone wants to know if QB Tim Tebow is a gonna git snatched up quick or if and that thar QB Jimmy Clausen is gonna do the "Brady Quinn slide" and end up lookin' like Jimmy Olsen of the Daily Planet? Oh the excitement! I'm about as tickled as a bluegrass cat what found some catnip.

Pick 1: St. Louis Rams (1-15): Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
All right, the clock is on them poor poor pitiful, St. Louis Rams... poor Rams. They was 1 and 15 last season, and played in more "Stinker Bowls" than I can count on 4 feet. To retool, they need them a quarterback, well in fact, they need just about a new everybody, but QB is where they need to start. Now I reckon that everyone agrees that Sam Bradford, out of Oklahoma is the best QB in the draft, so I think them boys from St. Louis will go with him. But you never know with them "poor Rams" cause over the years they done missed out on draftin' QBs like Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco, Chad Henne and even pretty boy Mark Sanchez, last year. So unless, they is one frame short of a full roll, and want to send the team back to Los Angeles they'll go with Bradford. Who knows they might even take Tebow!

Pick 2: Detroit Lions (2-14): Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
All right next is them 2 and 14 Detroit Lions. Now as far as I see it them kitties can do one of two things: take the pick or leave it trade down fer some other picks and get more value for this here pick. But I tell you what, I think a bird in the hand is more than 2 in bush so I think there gonna keep it. Problem is they could user either an OT or a DT ... decisions decisions decisions... seein' as they were doggone last defense that's a good place to start. So I think they'll go with Ndamukong Suh, uh Mr. SUH, that thar DT out of Nebraska. And, uh seein' as Tebow won't take kindly to playin' tackle on either sides of the offence - that ain't gonna happen.

Pick 3: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13): Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
Ok, next up is them Tampa Bay Buccaneers what swam with the fishes fer a lot a last year and you know how bad rotten fish stinks. Well, seein' as last year they finally got themselves a QB, this year they can go back to lookin' fer another defensive tackle like the great Warren Sapp. Now havin' the number 3 position means their hunt may be at an end cause they can take Gerald McCoy, DT, out of Oklahoma - assumin' Detroit takes Mr. "Suh" . Either way they this here what we call a "duh" pick - cause they need a DT and so they is a gonna git one.

Pick 4: Washington Redskins (4-12): Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
All right, time for them Redskins from Washington. They was 4 and 12 and they can surely use some help on offense, especially cause now they got themselves a veteran QB in Donovan McNabb. So it don't take a rocket scientist to know they need someone what to give him some hamburger helper so that (a) he don't eat no dirt too often and (b) well you know Washington likes to run, so like they need a big boy to block. Now I think that Russell Okung, OT, out of Oklahoma State should fit the duck bill .. and if he ain't around they could always take Trent Williams, OT, out of Oklahoma if Okung ain't around. Either way, someone in Oklahoma is gonna be livin' high off the hog and don't you know it.

Pick 5: Kansas City Chiefs (4-12): Eric Berry, S/CB, Tennessee
All right, the clock is tickin' and the war drums are drummin' and we come to them 4 and 12 Kansas City Chiefs. Now I tell y'all what, this team is like Swiss Cheese what's been left out in the sun too long ... they got plenty of holes and stink to high heaven. On defense, they need to teach them boys how to tackle, but until they do, at least they can git Eric Berry, out of Tennessee, what can play both safety or corner back and stick him together with Brandon Flowers for nice a mix a .. uh .. well it sort a sounds like a fruit drink thar, uh berry and flowers punch, and we ain't talkin' - no daiquiri, but at least they can put a stop all those what the rest of their defense will miss. Their offensive line could sure use some help too, but lettin' other teams run up the numbers ain't gonna help that much.

Pick 6: Seattle Seahawks (5-11): Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
All right, at number six we got us them Seattle Seahawks. Now them birdies will be lookin' to put that thar new offensive line coach to work by giving him Trent Williams, OT, out of Oklahoma to play with. This should also help them Seattle QBs what were busier than than a one-legged man at a butt kickin' contest ... with them gettin' sacked 40 plus times last season. Speakin' a QBs, Seattle could use one ... maybe Tebow? I reckon they might, but I don't think they will until the 2nd round - and that is if Jimmy Clausen ain't still around.

Pick 7: Cleveland Browns (5-11): Earl Thomas, S/CB, Texas
Ok next up at number 7 is them Cleveland Browns. I tell y'all what the way I see it is that they need a safety ... and if they don't git no Eric Berry then they'll take this one, Earl Thomas, out of Texas. Tim Tebow, you say? Well figurin' that them Browns offense was about as ugly as the east end of a horse headed west, you might be sayin' yeah this makes sense but shoot, why not go after Jimmy Clausen, or heck make Brady Quinn trade bait and shoot fer Bradford by goin' after them Rams? Nah, I reckon they'll give Brady at least another year before feed him to the hogs. But heck who know? They might snatch up Tebow in the 2nd round assumin' Jimmy Clausen ain't still around and .... uh... well, we've been here before ain't we, folks.

Pick 8: Oakland Raiders (5-11): Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland
Ok now we got us them Oakland Raiders and they need them an offensive tackle ... and Al Michaels likes them big and powerful - so look no further than Bruce Cambell out of Maryland. Now he' s taller and stronger than that thar Bryan Bulaga, out of Iowa. He's also faster ... boy can that porker run. He ain't as tubby as that thar Anthony Davis, out of Rutgers and I reckon that's a good thing. So I says go with height and speed over girth. Sorry, boys but whoosh .. thar goes Campbell right up the Draft board.

Pick 9: Buffalo Bills (6-10): Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa
All right now at number 9 we got us them Buffalo Bills. I tell you what, this one is a hard one to prognosticate cause them Bills could sure use an offensive Tackle and they could use a QB! Do you smell Tim Tebow? I'm not sure cause I think they could use a tackle more. So I thin they is a gonna go with that thar Bryan Bulaga, out of Iowa. If they're lucky they might be able to pick up Tebow in the 2nd round or maybe even Clausen. Now don't git me wrong, it would sure put pepper in Chan Gailey's gumbo to git his hands on Clausen ... but I think he's a gonna gamble a bit here and take a shot on a sure starter, Bulaga... what would help out any QB they bring in ... even another veteran.

Pick 10: Jacksonville Jaguars (7-9): Derrick Morgan, DE Georgia Tech

Ok, now we got them Jacksonville Jaguars and I don't think anyone really know which way the wind is a gonna blow on this one. Now some folks say they oughtsta to bring in Tebow cause he'll fill the stadium with Gator fans. I reckon not. How about Jimmy Clausen? He's right thar fer the takin' ... but again I reckon not. Why you say? Cause they got them their QB in Garrard, so why pay all that money to Clausen? They needed a defensive end ... but they got one by gettin' Aaron Kampman this month. Could they go fer depth at this position? Sure, so I says they go with Derrick Morgan out of Georgia Tech. This is "one cup a Joe" they can have cause it's already been saucered and blown. And that's all I have to say about that.

Pick 11: Denver Broncos (7-9): Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
All right now we got us them 7 and 9 Denver Broncos what moved up with a trade with Chicago: Uh let me put it this way ... elite WR Brandon Marshall went to them Fins, so it looks like these wooden horses need a WR and they need one quick. So ... Dez be nimble, Dez be quick - Dez git yourself over to Denver quick ... that's right. I'm sure them Fins would love to git their hands on Dez Bryant out of Oklahoma State - but Denver ain't gonna give them no satisfaction. If and they did they'd be one fry short of Happy Meal - and you can take that to the bank.... just like Brandon Marshall did!

Pick 12: Miami Dolphins (7-9): Sergio Kindle, DE/LB, Texas
All right, now at number 12 is my fins ... it's them Miami Dolphins, that is. Do they need linebacker? Well they got them Karlos Dansby but I think they might need a bit more cause rumor has it Jason Taylor is a talkin' to them Jets ... and Joey Porter went on over to them Arizona Cardinals. Now old Tuna Parcells just loves them big defensive players so I think that Sergio Kindle, DE/LB, out of Texas fits the duck bill. I sure would love them to grab them a safety ... cause they sure need one, but I reckon they'll do just fine later in the draft. Hey! How about that thar Tim Tebow? Well, I think to this team, he'd be about as handy as a back pocket on a stag shirt.

Pick 13: San Francisco (8-8): Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Ok next up on the clock is them San Francisco 49ers. the Singletary treat. And, he's a fixin' to fix him some holes in his secondary. So best on the draft board is Joe Haden, CB, out of Florida. This here is a match made in heaven. Yep, that would certainly dill them Frisco boy's pickles, real quick. Hey what about Tim Tebow? Well, I believe Joe Haden will go on and steal his thunder ... just like he did at that thar Florida Pro Day back in March. "Poor Tebow"!

Pick 14: Seattle Seahawks (8-8): C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson
All right, here comes them Seattle Seahawks at number 14, after tradin' up with Denver. Now hopefully they got themselves an offensive tackle with their number 6 pick. So now, they need them someone to put some points on the board ... and that means yonder comes C.J. Spiller, RB, out of Clemson. Now this youngin' can run, catch and even return kicks. Who can ask for more? I reckon Matt Hasselbeck will keep him busier than a cat coverin' his what not on a marble floor. Now that thar QB Hasselbeck is in the last year of his contract, and Seattle already brought in some help fer him ... so I don't think they're a gonna pick up Jimmy Clausen... or Tebow. I may be wrong ... but I doubt it.

Pick 15: New York Giants (8-8): Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama
Ok. now we got us them New York Giants ... and when they say Giants they're probably talking their front seven. This year, I don't think they can pass up on Rolando McClain, LB, out of Alabama. That thar Tuna in Miami will be salivatin' over this one ... but I think he's gonna let this big fishy go to New York. If he don't you'll see Sergio Kindle end up over here.

Pick 16: Tennessee Titans (8-8): Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida
All right, at number 16 we got us them Tennessee Titans. Them big boys didn't have much of a pass rush last year, in fact, I'd say their front four were about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand. So a hefty defensive end is what they need to start goin' after opposin' QBs. On my draft board, that brings us to Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, out of South Florida. Actually, South Florida is up thar Tampa ... and from where I come from that is North. Anyways ... they could use them a cornerback too, but I think they need to start up front and rebuild that thar front line. Teach them boys how to pass rush and what not so that they don't keep ridin' the short bus home from the stadium for half their games.

Pick 17: San Francisco 49ers (8-8): Mike Iupati, OT/OG, Idaho
All right, for number 17, we go back to San Francisco what traded up with Carolina. Nothin' could be finer that to be in Carolina ... unless you're in San Francisco with this here pick - cause you can either continue to beef up your offensive line or even get you a QB. Now over thar on the west coast, I don't think Tebow has the drawin' power to make much difference. How about Jimmy Clausen? Well to help me with this prognostication, I spun me my little pigskin and it ended up point to ... well the offensive line. If they can git OG, Mike Iupati out of Idaho, that would surely add some beefstock to their men in the trenches. They could also go with that thar Anthony Davis ... but I say stick to that thar guard. At 325 pounds and with his 35-inch arms, Mike can even play tackle. He's gonna rope and ride them doggies and put some of them up wet! Yes ma'am, we're talkin' some big USRDA beef here ... anymore and we'd need us some BBQ sauce.

Pick 18: Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7): Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Ok, next up on the draft clock is them Pittsburgh Steelers. I think it's pretty obviouos where they need help ... their offensive line, cause gunslinger Ben Roethlisberger was sent to lala land one too many times and over all their runnin' game was about as useful as a two legged hound dog. On my draft board, assuming that Mike Iaputi... Iapati ole what's his name goes with them 49ers, so them Steelers could take ... Tim Tebow.. no just joshin... they'd git themselves that thar OT, Anthony Davis, out of Rutgers. I think this makes sense and I think Anthony would be smilin' like a goat in a briarpatch to stay up North and .. well, to just be picked already.

Pick 19: Atlanta Falcons (9-7): Brandon Graham, DE Michigan
Ok next on the clock is them 9 and 7 Atlanta Falcons. Now these birdies need to shore up defensive line and linebacker corps. So I think the big man to fill them shoes is Brandon Graham, what's a DE out of Michigan. Now the truth is them Falcons could surely use a pass rusher .... but I think of what's on the board, so they oughtsta go with this here pittbull. Generally speakin ... haha I said there General Lee .. uh that thar Brandon ain't as big them others, but well, if power was coffee, he'd have enough for a string a Starbucks. If they can teach this youngin' to squirt through that thar line and git to them QBs, they'd be floatin' over the moon in Atlanta.

Pick 20: Houston Texans (9-7): Kyle Wilson, CB Boise State
All right, next up is them 9 and 7 Houston Texans. Can you spell CORNERBACK? These boys need to Dial 1-800-CORNERBACK, and quick! First off they done lost their starting corner in free agency, and second off ... well they gotsta play Peyton Manning and Co. twice a year. So, this here is a no-brainer, the way I see it. Running back you say? Well sure they can use them some of them most definitely .... but I reckon they can stack their decks in some later rounds. In their division, y'all gotsta be thinkin' defense first. If ya don't, then y'all is crazier than a run-over dog. Don't be surprised if they trade up to snatch them a running back, too, like Ryan Mathews, out of Fresno State.

Pick 21: Cincinnati Bengals (10-6): Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Ok, the draft clock is tickin', it won't take no lickin' and up to the plate come them Cincinnati Bengals. Well I tell you what, they got them that Carlson Palmer - so what they need now is some folks what are catch his balls? Know what I mean? I think you do .. . and it ain't gonna be Tim Tebow, so hold that gator for a spell. For this pick I'm thinkin' Jermaine Gresham, a TE out of Oklahoma. The draft board ain't stacked with impact wide receivers ... and Gresham is rated tops, and he can line up as a receiver, too, so I'd say this was a safe bet. That was easy!

Pick 22: New England Patriots (10-6): Jared Odrick, DT/DE, Penn State
All right , next up is them New England Patriots. I smell Geritol on both sides of the line of scrimmage and it ain't cause Brett Favre what is older than the mountains is in the house, neither. The way I see, with this pick, is that y'all have to take a look at what's still stickin' on the draft board. And unless you want Tim Tebow, what all y'all will see is that them defensive picks are lookin' a bit better than them offensive picks ... fer the money that is. So I say they go with Jared Odrick, DT/DE, out of Penn State to help them shore up their line ... and I ain't talkin' the Jersey Shore! Odrick would surely be a good replacement for Jarvis Green what they got thar.

Pick 23: Green Bay Packers (11-5): Taylor Mays, S, USC
All right next up is them Green Bay Packers what were sent packin' from the playoff in their loss to them Cardinals. remember that? That thar loss was as ugly as ... well lemme put it to y'all this way, If I had me a hound as ugly as that thar loss, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards. Best on the draft board to git them headed in the right direction is Taylor Mays, the safety, out of USC. He's the best of the lot, assuming Green Bay don't trade up to get someone for their offensive line ... cause they need some help their, too! But I think gettin' shredded in the them playoffs on defense speaks volumes of encyclopedias about their needs. But a safety will save their defense from gettin' carved up like a thanksgivin' turkey. Go with Mays, and give Clay Mathews some help. May the force of Bart Starr be with all a y'all.

Pick 24: Philadelphia Eagles (11-5): Maurkice Pouncey, C/G, Florida
What comes flyin' over the horizon to stand on the draft podium is ... well it ain't Tim Tebow, but it's them Philadelphia Eagles: I reckon that this team has got some holes on their offensive line, in their running back corps, and all over their defense. If you were makin' spaghetti you could use their defense as a sieve. Still, for the money, I think they oughtsta go with Maurkice Pouncey, C/G, Florida. Help them git some of that shirt yardage they been missin'. Thar's plenty of depth at running back in the draft and they can also pick up some decent linebackers later on to help them out, bless their hearts. Anyways, you know how them Eagles love them linemen! And, I ain't talkin' the Wichita lineman, here.... what's still on the line....

Pick 25: Baltimore Ravens (9-7): Demaryius Thomas, WR Georgia Tech
All right, the clock is still tickin' and here come them Baltimore Ravens at 9 and 7. Ok, so far this offseason, they got them Anaquin Skywalker, uh nope that thar is Anquan uh, Boldin and also Donte' Stallworth, so I reckon they is done givin' Joe Flacco some hands to go whacko with. Or is they? I tell y'all what, I think they is greedy buggers and are gonna grab them that thar Demagio ... uh .. Derriere ... uh .. Demaryius Thomas, the WR out of Georgia Tech. If Tim Tebow could catch they might snatch him too ... but I don't see that happenin'.

Pick 26: Arizona Cardinals (10-6): Sean Weatherspoon, LB, Missouri
Ok, now on the draft clock is them Arizona Cardinals, flyin' high off a last years success ... not that they got to the Superbowl none, but they did beat up on them Packers, and came close before losin' to Drew ... "Call him the Breeze" Brees and his saintly crew. Now them birdies did well, but the way I see it they got them a stinker defense where the run is concerned. In the playoffs, they gave up like 45 points in 2 games! So I reckon they oughtsta go with Sean Weatherspoon, LB out of Missouri, if he is still around this deep in the 1st round. Them birdies is a contender, thar ain't no doubt about that... and if they can keep them other teams from makin' them look like roadkill ... they might git a bit on further down the road to the big game!

Pick 27: Dallas Cowboys (11-5): Charles Brown, OT USC
All right, now we got us them 11 and 5 Dallas Cowboys. They could surely use some help at safety and their offensive line. Seein' whose left on the draft board, other than Tim Tebow and Jimmy Clausen, I'd say go with Charles Brown, OT out of USC... that's Charles Brown to all y'all, not Charlie Brown. Now, it seems to me that them Cowboys don't really need much of anyone real badly like. Maybe Tony Romo and crew could use up a young back up to pass on his knowledge to ... anyone come to mind? Tim Tebow maybe? I reckon not, but who knows.

Pick 28: San Diego Chargers (13-3): Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State
All right, now a lot a y'all might be wonderin' at this point "Hey, what about them running backs? Ain't thar noone what wants a good running back?" Well, chargin' to the draft podium is them San Diego Chargers, all riled up and randy cause they is fixin' to git them Ryan Mathews, a RB out of Fresno State and the only the 2nd running back to be taken in this here draft. And that's that. They need someone to hold hands with Darren Sproles in the backfield, so he won't be so lonely, and anyway he ain't no every down type of runner.

Pick 29: New York Jets (9-7): Roger Saffold, OT/OG, Indiana
Ok, waitin' fer take off on the draft clock at number 29 is them New York Jets. They wasn't gonna wait around fer the draft to git them fixed up in terms of wide receivers cause they traded fer Sa Antoinio ... uh Santonio Holmes. So what else they metal birdies need? Hey, How about Tim Tebow? Nope, they all ready got one purty boy in form of Mark Sanchez .. smile purty! Nope I think they is gonna go after Roger Saffold, OT/OG, out of Indiana to help protect that thar purty boy cause eatin' dirt don't look good fer the paparazzi. Now Rex Ryan likes them defensive boys too, but I think they need to protect their investment in Hannah Montana .. uh ... I mean Mark Sanchez some. Smile purty!

Pick 30: Minnesota Vikings (12-4): Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
All right, here we go, on the clock is them Minnesota Vikings. I tell you what , if Tim Tebow is a gonna land anywhere, it might just be with them Vikings. They need to start groomin' some youngin' here cause old Burt .. uh .. I mean Brett Favre is gonna be shufflin' off to them shuffle boards, sooner than later. He'll be pitchin' that thar Geritol on them golf courses before long. So I see them purple boys taken a QB here in the 1st round. If I followed the draft board I'd say Clausen is ripe fer the taking. Question is, is it gonna be Tebow or Clausen? Boards say Clausen ... and I have to agree. Clausen would do well to serve under Favre for a year... and I don't think Favre is ready to hang it up just yet, when he was that close to the big game. Sorry Tebow, but logic and the board says Clausen comes first. Anyway he's from the Notre Dame ... so y'all know how that goes.

Pick 31: Indianapolis Colts (14-2): Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee
Ok, now at the draft podium stands a bunch a losers... just joshin' Peyton, ... well folk's it's them Indianapolis Colts. I reckon they'll go with pickin' someone fer their offensive line, especially since at that thar Superbowl loss, heartbreakin' as it was, Bill Polian standin' thar pointed fingers. So that's what's logical ... but I reckon that logic goes out the barndoor when y'all see that DE, Dan Williams out of Tennessee is still on the boards. Passin' him up would be like sayin' no to Mountain Dew! In fact, bein' from Tennessee, Williams might just even bring over a few jugs! So how can anyone say no to that? I'll just hush up mug, if you'll fill up my jug, with that good ole mountain dew.

Pick 32: New Orleans (13-3): Everson Griffen, DE, USC
All right, its the last call for the last round of them 1st round selections. "Oh when them saints come marchin' in ... yep folks , enter them New Orleans Saints, champions of the planet Earth for their pick. What does these Pabst Blue Ribbon winners need? Old habits die hard, so you know they want a defensive lineman or linebacker. So I think they might go after that thar Everson Griffen, DE, out of USC. He can also line up as an outside linebacker if need be. if he ain't around, then they'll go with Jerry Hughes out of TCU, what can even line up as a defensive end. So either they is as covered as oak barrel of Jack Daniels. Hey! What about Tebow? We didn't find him a home? Now look folks, I like me Tebow a lot - but it don't take a chicken to spot a rotten egg, and I just don't think he is 1st round material. But then again ... neither was Brett Favre. So if that ain't a compliment, I don't know what is! Look fer Tebow to go in round 2.

Well that's it's fer me folks, that thar is my picks. I heap y'all will join once the season gits goin' again, for my Weekly Pick on who's a gonna win and what not. And sometime very soon, I'll be doin' a music podcast, a bit a blues a bit of bluegrass a bit all manners of music to help support all them unsigned artists. So if you are unsigned and are lookin' to git some promotion fer your music give me a holler and I'll help all a y'all out ... cause that is the kind of man I is. Now, fer all a you what will be buyin' new boats from bettin' on what youngins are gonna get git in what rounds ... don't forget me and all them picks I set all a y'all up with. Git on over to http://www.jugmongers.com/, that's Jugmongers with a "J" and send me a little donation so I can tail gate like it's nobody's business come this season... and also maybe git me a Martin D-28 guitar to pick a little Bluegrass on. Finally some words of wisdom to take y'all through trainin' camp: "Every day above ground, is a good one" - and y'all can take that to the bank!

---------- End Podcast Transcript ----------

Ok, that's it for my picks. If you are interested in seein' some other terrific mock drafts from NFL fans, here's a few good site's what's good a lot a them:

http://www.hailredskins.com/MockDraft.htm

http://nfldrafttoday.com/nfl-mock-draft-database/

http://www.fftoolbox.com/nfl_draft/2010/nfl-mock-draft-database.cfm

http://www.footballfanspot.com/nflmockdraftdatabase.htm

http://walterfootball.com/


Now, fer all a y'all what to like know it all and be a smarty pants come football season, this here book is fer you! I recommend it!

Claim Jumpin' Gene Squatters

Howdy folks and kin! Lord, I tell y'all I wish this was an April's tomfoolery joke - but it aint. Here's the deal: apparently it ain't just them federal revenuers what claim to own our hides anymore. Some of them drug-dealin' pharmaceutical companies hold a claim on at least twenty percent of our genes, too! Ain't that somethin'? It seems their shifty lawyers have been busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger tryin' to tie up some of our DNA with their products what are supposed to save our lives and make us all healthy and what not.

Now hit me if I ain't correct on this, but didn't "owning" folks, or any part thereof, go out with Lincoln and that thar Emancipation Proclamation? I guess them pharmaceutical industrial types, like at Myriad Genetics (et al!), still don't get it. Maybe they was thinkin' to themselves "heck, them is only some little genes what are smaller than a grain of sand, so no one will notice if we jump a claim on them ". Know what I mean, good folks? I think y'all do.

Now here's the problem: them genes what were patented are the ones that trigger some breast and ovarian cancers. Now these "Myriad Genetics" folks, for example, have them a little test for these genes what will tell the risk of them developing these forms a cancer. The test cost $3,000! Well, it turns out that the patent on that thar test includes, in legalese of course, a patent on them same little genes. So that means, if y'all don't want to pay no $3000 to Myriad Genetics, you is plum out of luck, cause no other drug company is allowed to make a test to touch that them genes, so says the U.S. patent office.

Now one of the big questions I have here is ... how did 20 percent of our genes get patented in the first place? Is this a serious case of inefficent patent office paper-pushin' rubber stampers ... or have some viagara-totin' suit-wearin' drug dealers been payin' off them rubber stampers to look the other way? I wonder....

All right I want y'all to think on this to boot: on the heels of a judge shootin' down them rogue patents, it turns out that, according to the New York Times, over on Wall Street "many biotechnology stocks fell on Tuesday as investors struggled to understand the impact of a ruling that threw out parts of two gene patents and called into question thousands more." It seems to me that them Wall Street investors ain't had absolutely no problem understandin' anything at all! They can do the math! It don't take a rocket scientist to know that twenty percent a somethin' is somethin', while zero percent a somethin' is nothin'! Now I wonder if them Wall Street investors knew this all along and that's why they invested in them drug-dealin' industrials in the first place, thinkin' they could jump a claim on us all.

I tell you what though, the real "bottom line" is that when big business trickery stands in the way of good folk being denied life saving medical testing ... well let's just say I hope the high courts ride them "drug dealers" hard and puts them up wet. And as for them rubber stampers at the patent office, well I guess someone oughtsta give them keys to the "short bus" to ride home on. And, to all a y'all Wall Street investors takin' a blood bath now cause a this here fiasco, well it serves y'all right fer thinkin' y''all could squat on any party a our bodies!

Man-o-man, it seems to me even the devil himself don't got anything on these pharmaceutical industry types! It's sad to say that, even fer a spell, "big business" can own a "pound of our flesh" without us even knowin' anything about it. I like to think it ought be a lot harder for them to own our souls, too .... but, uh, maybe we all oughta check with some "ambulance chasers" just to be sure.

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. Here's the link to them articles for more info:
http://www.nature.com/news/2010/100330/full/news.2010.160.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/31/business/31gene.html

PPS: Hey y'all, here's a good book y'all might want to take at look-see at: